Men, friends, even my family would ask me things like,
“Are you looking for a serious relationship?”
“Do you want to get married?”
“Are you waiting for the one?”
“Are you ready to mingle?”
I would sit back and reflect each time,
“Wait… Do I want to… What?”
Being in a serious domesticated relationship for 2 years, it changes you. Prior to my last relationship, I outrightly rejected love and relationships. I even published an article on it with 5,000+ readers on Thought Catalog. But I can’t be that girl again. I can’t just reject love and protest against it the way I used to. I can no longer preach “Love is an illusion.” After how I have witnessed myself love so selflessly and crazily, and after I came from a relationship that beamed with magic and thrived so hard to last? I just can’t.
I can go back to all the fun of dating here and there, recklessly chase the sunset, fall in love for the night and forget in the morning… It was surreal falling in love you know. The magic, the rush, and how both of you couldn’t take your hands off of each other.
Thing is, these things are beautiful, but when it comes down to the serious stuff again? You fall in love, be crazy, then you discover bad things, you compromise, you fight, you conquer your monsters, fall in love deeper, learn things, struggle to change – AND THEN IT ENDS. I just can’t go through that again. After I watched the one thing I thought was the indispensable factor in my life shatter, how exactly do I summon the courage to go through these things again?
Now that I have collected the broken pieces and turned it into something beautiful, now that I have finally stepped into my daylight, now that my freedom beams in technicolor, now that I am enjoying things I’ll remember when I’m too old for parties, sex and cigarettes, now that I finally have peace I never had my whole life – how exactly do I put these things at risk? How do I compromise again? How do I exactly let someone in again? How?
The answer is: I don’t know.
I don’t need to know. At least not yet. Do I want to settle down? I don’t know. Am I waiting for the one? I don’t know. Yes, the ideas of falling in love, getting married sound appealing and magical, but do I want a serious relationship now? I don’t know. Thing is I don’t have to know. I don’t have to figure it out. Now I live in the moment, I live in the present. All I care about is me. My goals, my dreams, my magic – and it’s okay.
You can do the same thing. You don’t have to know. We don’t always have to have the answers in life. Live in the moment, allow the universe to surprise you. Shine bright.