Last week I was at a bar in Northwest DC and sparked up a conversation with a nice southern gentleman and he asked about “my team.” I thought he was referring to my swim team from college. He actually was wondering which football team I follow. When I said none, he shook his head, gazing at the floor, and said, “You’ll never marry a southern guy with that attitude.”
Wow, lucky me! I get some insider advice that will help me meet my dream man! While I cannot get my brain to focus on a sporting event for longer than 3 minutes, I’ve come up with a plan to fake it until I make it.
1. Do your makeup, straighten your hair, and then put on a football hat, maybe a Miami Hurricane hat, because the colors are vibrant, and will immediately attract Miami’s finest. When your dreamboat starts to chat with you about the score of the latest game say “hell yes!” or “nailed it!” or “booyeah!”
2. Throw a super bowl party! Wear a jersey that is oversized with tiny shorts so that you look dainty yet hot. Make a buffalo chicken dip and buy a case of beer. Choose the hunkiest guy in the room and cheer when he yells “touchdown”, then gaze into each other’s eyes for a split second and look down, shake your head, and smile. Instant connection.
3. Join a fantasy football league. Make screen name like “CutebutTomboyish69” and click random buttons on the website until you’ve completed your draft.
4. Go to a sports bar! Go to a sports bar and stand around for 2 hours and stare at the screen, reacting occasionally. Don’t order a pinot grigio that’s not chill! Only engage in conversation with people during commercial break or you will be shooshed.
5. Go to a sporting event. Make sure to stand up when other people stand and cheer, despite your strong instincts to stay seated with your chicken fingers comfortably on your lap. Yell things like “MIAMI! 305! MR. WORLDWIDE!”
Regardless of your disinterest in any of these scenarios, remember that you’re doing it for your future southern hubbie! None of my techniques have worked so far but I’m very optimistic. I will continue to flaunt my Miami Hurricane hat and cross my fingers until Mr. Right comes along.