I keep breaking my own heart, I let the same guy in time and time again. Meanwhile I have someone else on the side, a friend, a life line.
They tell me they love me. I say it back. But I don’t mean it.
So yes, I am leading someone on and the main reason I’m doing it is so I can have a temporary relief from the pain and although the pain of heartbreak never goes away, when I talk to them it leaves, only for a little while, it then returns when I become consumed by my toxic thoughts.
The truth is, he could never come before the person I love, I know thus. I know he loves me too but things are complicated and we can’t be together or at least that’s what I tell him. So we talk and we laugh, he tells me how pretty I am, how he wishes things could be different for us and then I cry.
I cry for the secret I hold in my heart. I tell him I love him and I care and in a way, I do but I could never be with him.
I understand this makes me a terrible person. The pain is addicting but the relief is even better. To feel nothing for even ten minutes is sometimes better than hurting.
Maybe one day I’ll be honest. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll keep it going until the pain finally stops. However, I’m not sure it ever will.
I want him to realise what a horrible person I am. I want them to stop this so I don’t have to because I don’t want to deal with the anger and resentment. I know he will hate me. And I think the pain of not having him would kill me. So, for now I continue to lead him on. Day by day I poison his brain with my lies and I know that truly, deep down, I’ll never stop because I’ll never love him half as much as I love the other guy.
Please forgive me.