After picking up my life and moving to a new city and state across the country, it was inevitable. If I wanted to keep up my very busy wine-drinking, stress-eating hobbies, I needed to find a new job. After about 12 (I wish I was kidding…) in person-interviews, I totally had this thing nailed down. Here were my thoughts along the journey. Grab a glass of wine, sit back, and relate.
1. Okay so I want to be on time, obviously, but is 10 minutes too early? Is 2 minutes before seem like I rushed here? Maybe I’ll show up around the 4-5 minutes early mark. Yeah…that seems profesh.
2. Hmm…15 minutes early…guess I’ll wait in my car and scroll through Instagram. Aw, it’s #nationaldogday- I have to remember to post one of Sophie.
3. I hope I’m dressed appropriately…I tried going somewhere between looking cool enough to be edgy, yet professional at the same time. I wonder if I can still return these pants…
4. What is the person’s name again I’m supposed to be meeting with? Oh crap! Um okay let me think…Carrie? Evelyn? Pocahontas? Maybe I can just avoid the whole name thing…
5. Okay, remember… firm handshake and eye contact.
6. *Shakes hand*…shit, did I make eye contact? I can’t remember what just happened 5 seconds ago.
7. WTF am I supposed to do with my hands? Fold them on the table? Does that make me look weird? Maybe I should put them in my lap…but then do I switch it up halfway through? Okay, let’s just put them down for now and feel it out.
8. I’m sitting in a spinning office chair…*tries consciously not to spin around during interview*
9. “Tell me a little about yourself.” Seriously? Don’t interviewers get bored of these basic questions? If I ran an interview, I’d be so more creative and fun. I wouldn’t be like a regular interviewer, I’d be the “cool interviewer”.
10. I really should have eaten beforehand. I wonder if she can hear my stomach growl as much as I can?!
11. Yes! A question I actually know! Thank god I Googled “Top 10 questions employers ask at an interview”. Psh, she will hire me here and now.
12. I have an itch on my nose….is it okay if I scratch it? Omg…this is like the worst itch I’ve ever felt…I have to do something…okay time for a casual scratch…
13. *scratches* Ahhh, much better. I wonder if she thought I was about to pick my nose??
14. She made a joke, so I should laugh…but not too much and not too little. I need to make sure they think I can be humorous but not over do it…
15. I probably should have went with one less “ha”…they definitely know I am trying too hard.
16. “How would you handle a situation when you and a co-worker disagrees?” What I actually should say: A perfectly memorized, pre-interview-googled answer that clearly shows I am a team player and can handle a conflict. What I wish I could say: Obviously, I would Olivia Pope this biznatch and handle it. Next question.
17. Should I be switching up my hands? Should I be gesturing? Maybe that’s too many gestures…I should tone it down. What if she thinks I’m a lazy person because my hands have been on my lap this whole time? Am I reading too much into this?
18. What did she just ask me? Crap.
19. “Tell me about a time when…” Oh great. Umm let’s see what would sound the least-made up right now…
20. SERIOUSLY. What am I doing with my hands?!
21. Why am I so awkward.
22. I wonder what are good lunch places around here…
23. Do I have any questions? Ummmm….I had about 20 before I came here and got amnesia about my life… I know shouldn’t ask about money but I would like to know if I can afford for my electricity… and wine… mostly wine.
24. Tour around the office…this is a good sign, right?
25. Oo, the kitchen area. What kind of snacks do they have?
26. Do I walk weird? I should have practiced that.
27. It’s very obviously I don’t wear heels enough because I look like a baby fawn learning how to walk. Damnit. Why didn’t I go with the flats?!
28. I don’t remember her name anymore.
29. Omg it’s over. How long was that? Was it too short? Too long? Did I ask all the right questions? Did I say ANYTHING intelligent?
30. Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.