30 Painful Thoughts I Have During An Interview

After picking up my life and moving to a new city and state across the country, it was inevitable. If I wanted to keep up my very busy wine-drinking, stress-eating hobbies, I needed to find a new job. After about 12 (I wish I was kidding…) in person-interviews, I totally had this thing nailed down. Here were my thoughts along the journey. Grab a glass of wine, sit back, and relate.

1. Okay so I want to be on time, obviously, but is 10 minutes too early? Is 2 minutes before seem like I rushed here? Maybe I’ll show up around the 4-5 minutes early mark. Yeah…that seems profesh.

2. Hmm…15 minutes early…guess I’ll wait in my car and scroll through Instagram. Aw, it’s #nationaldogday- I have to remember to post one of Sophie.

3. I hope I’m dressed appropriately…I tried going somewhere between looking cool enough to be edgy, yet professional at the same time. I wonder if I can still return these pants…

4. What is the person’s name again I’m supposed to be meeting with? Oh crap! Um okay let me think…Carrie? Evelyn? Pocahontas? Maybe I can just avoid the whole name thing…

5. Okay, remember… firm handshake and eye contact.

6. *Shakes hand*…shit, did I make eye contact? I can’t remember what just happened 5 seconds ago.

7. WTF am I supposed to do with my hands? Fold them on the table? Does that make me look weird? Maybe I should put them in my lap…but then do I switch it up halfway through? Okay, let’s just put them down for now and feel it out.

8. I’m sitting in a spinning office chair…*tries consciously not to spin around during interview*

9. “Tell me a little about yourself.” Seriously? Don’t interviewers get bored of these basic questions? If I ran an interview, I’d be so more creative and fun. I wouldn’t be like a regular interviewer, I’d be the “cool interviewer”.

10. I really should have eaten beforehand. I wonder if she can hear my stomach growl as much as I can?!

11. Yes! A question I actually know! Thank god I Googled “Top 10 questions employers ask at an interview”. Psh, she will hire me here and now.

12. I have an itch on my nose….is it okay if I scratch it? Omg…this is like the worst itch I’ve ever felt…I have to do something…okay time for a casual scratch…

13. *scratches* Ahhh, much better. I wonder if she thought I was about to pick my nose??

14. She made a joke, so I should laugh…but not too much and not too little. I need to make sure they think I can be humorous but not over do it…

15. I probably should have went with one less “ha”…they definitely know I am trying too hard.

16. “How would you handle a situation when you and a co-worker disagrees?” 
What I actually should say: A perfectly memorized, pre-interview-googled answer that clearly shows I am a team player and can handle a conflict.
What I wish I could say: Obviously, I would Olivia Pope this biznatch and handle it. Next question.

17. Should I be switching up my hands? Should I be gesturing? Maybe that’s too many gestures…I should tone it down. What if she thinks I’m a lazy person because my hands have been on my lap this whole time? Am I reading too much into this?

18. What did she just ask me? Crap.

19. “Tell me about a time when…” Oh great. Umm let’s see what would sound the least-made up right now…

20. SERIOUSLY. What am I doing with my hands?!

21. Why am I so awkward.

22. I wonder what are good lunch places around here…

23. Do I have any questions? Ummmm….I had about 20 before I came here and got amnesia about my life… I know shouldn’t ask about money but I would like to know if I can afford for my electricity… and wine… mostly wine.

24. Tour around the office…this is a good sign, right?

25. Oo, the kitchen area. What kind of snacks do they have?

26. Do I walk weird? I should have practiced that.

27. It’s very obviously I don’t wear heels enough because I look like a baby fawn learning how to walk. Damnit. Why didn’t I go with the flats?!

28. I don’t remember her name anymore.

29. Omg it’s over. How long was that? Was it too short? Too long? Did I ask all the right questions? Did I say ANYTHING intelligent?

30. Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries. TC mark

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