1. You don’t have to make a difficult choice.
If things weren’t going so well, and you both kind of knew that this was all going to come to an unfortunate end in the near future, at least you don’t have to be the one to pull the rope or whatever they use on the guillotine. You get all of the breakup with none of the mess, and you don’t even have to explain to someone why you no longer want to have sex with them. On the other hand, if you were really hoping that this was going to work out, at least you had the rug pulled out completely from underneath you and can’t agonize over all the things you should have done differently or why you shouldn’t have let them go. It was never in your hands, and so you can’t get mad about the choice you made.
2. You don’t have to give a shit about anyone.
Maybe you’re depressed. Maybe you just want to lock yourself in your room for days on end and watch episodes of Homeland and cry. And you know what? You can totally do that now, because you are officially free from all responsibility when it comes to other people. You don’t have to be especially nice to anyone, you don’t have to consider someone’s feelings when you make a personal decision, and you don’t have to consult anyone on where you’re going to have dinner. You can be as selfish as you like, and you’ve never needed it more.
3. As much ice cream and french fries as you want.
It’s like being a child again, except instead of going to the carnival and loading up on cotton candy and sno cones, you stay in your apartment and order non-stop takeout Chinese. Every terrible food you’ve ever wanted you can now just funnel into your mouth while you blog about taking care of yourself and treating yourself to all of the things you usually refuse. As long as you label it “taking care of myself,” anything goes.
4. All your friends have to be extra nice to you.
There’s nothing good about people pitying you, but there is a lot of good in being treated like a special unicorn because you are too fragile to hear or experience anything negative. Your friends are unusually kind, and attentive, and willing to listen to all your boring stories about your relationship and watch you cry for hours on end. They’ll let you pick the movie, and they’ll answer their phone right away when you text, and they are generally happy to see you every time you show up (even if they’re really not). It’s like having a cast and everyone being all concerned and wanting to sign it to make you feel better. You let them sign your emotional cast in the form of taking you out for drinks and bringing you cookies in bed.
5. Now you can have sex with new, exciting people.
There are so many people out there waiting to have sex with you and you don’t even know it yet. Just dive headfirst into a pool of KY Jelly and never look back. The world is your oyster, and that oyster has a shiny pearl made entirely out of potential orgasms. Go browse around OKCupid for a while until you see someone who looks just enough like your ex to have some one-night hate sex with. You’ve earned it.
6. Everyone has to take your side or look like an asshole.
Even though it’s not really cool to say it, we all know that friend groups are obligated to take sides one way or the other when a couple breaks up. And the person who was dumped (especially if it was a really ugly breakup), there is no way that the group can’t at least somewhat err towards your side of things out of basic compassion. If you are the dumpee, you are guaranteed the precious moral high ground that can give you such things as veto power when it comes to inviting the ex to a party, or the right to give those hour-long talks about all the things that went wrong with people you don’t even really know that well. You’ve been wounded, and now the world must heal you.