1. Whenever you go to get a piece of gum out, you do it with ninja-like stealth to avoid anyone seeing, because it only takes one person to start the domino effect. “Can I have one?” “Oh, can I have one, too?”
2. When someone calls you, you purposely let it go to voicemail (you can’t hit ignore, because anyone who’s had a cell phone for more than a year knows very well that less rings = someone intentionally ignoring your call). Then, you text them back a few minutes later with a lame excuse like, “sorry, I was in the shower,” to avoid being put on the spot the way a phone call has the ability to do. It’s a lot easier to text an excuse for not being able to go out that night, because let’s be real, all you want to do is sit in your PJ’s and watch Law & Order: SVU re-runs, then saving yourself on the phone after stuttering in an attempt to come up with a believable reason.
3. This time, you want to go out, but nothing was going on, so you submitted to your comfy bed and sweats—until you get a text informing you of a great party with an acceptable group of people (of course, you always have to ask who’s going to be there before you make the decision). “No FOMO for me,” you say as you jump out of bed and get ready in lightning speed.
4. Who hasn’t told someone they were on their way when they were running late, even though they hadn’t left the house yet (and then blaming it on traffic)? I think it’s safe to say this is a very common one.
5. Do you carry every single grocery bag in one trip because you’d rather have your arms turn the color of tomatoes from all the straps and waddle like a duck to the door than have to, dare I say it, make two trips? I know I do.
6. When you wake up in the middle of a good dream, you shut your eyes again, hoping that you’ll get to see the ending of the show. Of course, this never seems to work.
7. When you’re sitting in the back of a car on long car rides, especially when it’s raining, you know you’ve pretended you were in the sad part of a movie and the music playing on your iPod is the soundtrack. Come on, at least once.
8. You look down at your phone to check the time, but your mind is completely somewhere else and you don’t register it at all, so you have to check again (and sometimes again).
9. You put your iPod on shuffle, but it’s a rare day that you let any song play without hitting “next.” Music ADD at its finest.
10. You put an earlier date on your papers so your procrastination issues stay a secret from the professor.
11. You open your fridge and just stand there staring, hoping that an amazing meal will cook itself and hop out into your arms. When that doesn’t happen you go to the pantry. And when it doesn’t happen there either, you go back to the fridge with lower standards.
12. You missed what someone said not twice, but three times. You now feel you have no choice but to smile and nod, hoping to God it was a yes or no question.
13. Listening to a song on repeat for hours at a time, four straight days in a row, so you can memorize the rap part and break it out at parties. “Oh, I’ve heard this song a couple of times.” [Proceed into nailing a Busta Rhymes verse word for word].
14. You make an extremely blonde comment, and when called out for it, you pretend you were just kidding. *Disclaimer: Success at convincing other party of your lack of stupidity is not guaranteed.*
15. Being completely overjoyed when you turn that key and realize you’re walking into an empty apartment. Clothes: Commence disrobement.
16. Lip syncing in the bathroom mirror, while naked and busting some moves. What else are you supposed to do while you’re waiting for the water to heat up? Cliché as it may be, it is so for a reason. Because everyone does it (or at least the lip syncing part—clothing optional).
17. Speaking in a British accent to yourself every now and again. You only wish it wasn’t pretend.
18. Embellishing a story just to make it sound better, or to better prove your point. It’s not a real lie if it’s the color white!
I know there’s more, but I’m trying to keep something to the imagination here. So the next time you do something really bizarre or embarrassing, ask a friend if they’ve ever done it. More likely than not, your friend will admit to doing said activity, too, and you guys will share a good laugh at that realization (however, if you put your creepy horsehead mask on and gallop around while neighing on the regular, keep it to yourself so people don’t tell you to get psychiatric help.)