I’ve never met a guy like you before. I’ve only ever known the ones who disappear. They’ll tell me that we could be something, and that we get each other. After I’ve been assured of their promises I’ll wake up every morning in a cocoon of delight. It’ll surprise me, because even though I have so much, even though we all do, I’ll be honest and say that it’s only the comforting feeling of a warmed heart that will make someone shine in the early hours. Truly, a fantastic job offer or an incredible weekend won’t cut it. Beneath it all, there’s emptiness of which you cannot control.
You can only attempt to fill the void throughout the day with achievements and connections made. With a promising new affection, however, you will wake up and remember it at 7am. You will then automatically be sent into a flurry of feelings analogous to ecstasy itself. Inevitably, the people responsible for making me feel this way took what I had to offer. But that was it. For them, I was just a tick in yet another box; a contribution to fund their egos. To be honest, if that’s all they have, I’m all too happy to contribute. Following their pernicious aims, they fell back into the comforts of their own torments and trivialities. We’re told not to admit our defeats, but as I crashed down after the anti-climax, I would always say goodbye to the something we could have had. I tried, even if it meant sabotaging all of my dignity.All’s fair in love and war. And when you have the heart to look back, you realise you noticed all of it. You saw the moment when they first became attracted to you. You felt the moment they went cold.
You’re the only guy that really stayed. You didn’t have a checklist, and you didn’t make me feel like I was a contestant in a competition. You knew I wasn’t a house that needed to be auctioned, or a piece of meat at the butchers. Therefore, I didn’t need to wait for the hammer to fall. That’s because you were sold on me when you first met me. There was no waiting and seeing if things happened because they were happening, all the time. You weren’t holding anything back because you knew that one thing would lead to another and you were okay with that. With the others I felt like a child was putting rocks in the middle of a stream to stop the flow of it. They weren’t interested in Bolivian passion. They seemed to see love as a seeping wound that needed to be bandaged up quickly.
After months of anguish and hurt, I sought something inside myself. I was done seeking attention from boys who wouldn’t even allow me the excuse of a break up for my pain, because they gave me nothing at all. I left and I became better. I was sickened and hollow. I had nothing to fall back on but my burning desire for both ambition and lust. I was new to the game of physical agony and intense desire, but I stuck to my guns. You see, I do desire, but physical gratification does not exist to me without the emotional connection. However, you should know that there is no fun or satisfaction in giving into your greatest physical weakness only to have it taken away from you forever. This is one of the reasons why it is impossible to eat only one Dorito. But then again, no one really eats a mere single Dorito with the intention of throwing the pack away, do they? With this in mind, I knew despite everything, it wasn’t me that was the problem. Well, that’s what I tell myself in my logical mind, but there’s also a figure inside me calling herself cut throat honesty. My logical mind calls her insecurity.
Emotionally damaged individuals create a void inside you that sucks logic in every once in a while. You could be sitting in a dentist waiting room when logic is suddenly imprisoned and then all you’re faced with is the memories of what you had with someone, and how you could have been more if only you were better. I moved away. I changed my perspective on what I wanted and who I was. I achieved things I never thought I could in such a short space of time. It was vendetta for my heart. If you want to know the truth, everything is yours for the taking in life, if you really want it. Everything except love, that is. Love is an illogical, tumultuous, hurtful, brilliant process that has no rules and no expiry and no formula. It is a perplexity. Until recently I thought that I would always be beholden to someone who had better options. I honestly thought that for someone to want to be with me, they must love me more than I love them. Therefore, committing to someone would be like surrendering. That’s because even though I know I’m desirable, love never happens like you think it should. It’s the look in someone’s eye or the way your legs entwine that makes you fall for someone, not how they look or who they are.
And then you came along. You’re the guy who gets that I become obsessed with everything after everyone else is done obsessing over it. You’re the guy who appreciates my lingerie. You’re the guy I can laugh with. Like, really laugh. You’re the guy who understands my need to disappear from every party and sit thinking on my own in the bathroom. You’re the guy who knows that the only reason I appear judgmental is because I am trying to judge how I can charm someone. You get that I fail at that most of the time. You’re the guy who wants me to finish first. You’re the guy who likes affirmation and acclaim, but who doesn’t fixate on attention. You’re the guy who will never tell me they’re fickle or that they’re sorry. I’ve never met a guy like you before. You’re the guy I’ve never met.