So I know this is like, a discovery that everyone made years ago. Nevertheless, I’m going to declare this simply because I’ve only just recognised it myself. I also want it published so it is eternally wedged into the deep dark corners of my mind. You know why. Because it’s not easy to follow your own advice. Yep, I’ll get it tattooed on my shin if necessary, so that every time I pull those stockings up, it’ll be there, screaming at me in Apple Gothic (or in Arial Narrow, ‘cos I’m classy like that).
Okay, here it is: Don’t hang out with assholes; they will wreck and ruin your self esteem. This is a blatantly clear rule to follow in life, isn’t it? It’s certainly something most people are aware of. However, it’s actually a lot more difficult to commit to. Also, you don’t actually realise the affect someone has had on you until you’re laying in the bath with tears streaming down your face whilst choking on the smoke from your Marlboro Gold and you don’t smoke. Until that moment, you think you make your own decisions, and that people can’t really have a long lasting effect on you… oh, but they can.
Up until now, I have considered myself to be an emotionally secure and 100% rational person. People don’t usually make me want to pick up cancer sticks as stress relievers and buy water proof mascara. I’m generally a tough gal. I mean, everyone has had fights with friends, family members… and even the odd wretched stranger. People can certainly act like assholes, and there’s just not enough time to cry about all of them. However, let’s be clear first and foremost. There is a difference between “acting” like an asshole and “being” an asshole. So, before you tell everyone to fuck off, please read below.
Most people can definitely act like assholes. I’m sure there have been plenty a times when you, your most quintessential self, has torn off the charming exterior to reveal all the monsters from Pandora’s box on more than one occasion. If a person’s acting like an asshole they generally do non-civilised things like throw your favourite jacket on the streets covered in pig’s meat so the neighborhood dogs tear it to shreds. They can steal the last piece of cake. They can play “November Rain” in November when it’s raining. They can call you derogatory names beginning with “A” “B” and “C”. Hell, they might even call you “asshole”. What an assholic thing to do. Yes, these are all dick moves but it doesn’t automatically mean this person is actually an asshole.
You want to know what being an asshole is all about? If you want to know whether someone in your life is an actual real-life asshole and they are therefore seriously and potentially irrevocably affecting your ideas of achieving happiness (however delusional those ideas may be), there are a couple of signs you can look for. Look for people who have actually caused you to feel seriously unworthy and empty inside. Look for people who, if you’re honest with yourself, make you feel desperate and needy. Look for people who make you want to procrastinate when you arrive in their hometown. You know? You walk around aimlessly through lame cafe bookshops before you psych yourself up enough to call the asshole and tell them that you’re waiting outside their house. You also tell them that you’ve survived the Queensland translink’s Beenleigh line without being knocked out by that chick with the blood shot eyes and the JD bottle. The bottle was half full, but that chick probably saw it as half empty.
But seriously, be honest with yourself, because what I’ve found is that people don’t change. That’s right folks; once an asshole, always an asshole. So, man, if you’re an asshole stop being an asshole, and if you’re crying over an asshole, get rid of them. And stop crying. Crying’s for dweebs.