I was deployed to Iraq in 2004. A few months into our tour my friend gets two weeks leave, he was assigned as the gunner on my Lt’s Humvee. A couple of hours before we go on mission the Lt asks me if I’d like to fill in for my friend and be his gunner. I have a bad habit of running my mouth and I didn’t think spending alot of time with the Lt was a good idea so I declined saying, “I would sir, but I hear your driver is so bad that he voids my life insurance policy and my folks would really need the money.” He laughed and walked away. That mission his vehicle wad hit by an IED and the blast killed the gunner, a SPC from HQC who volunteered for the mission.
I have several, but I’ll go with a story from the barracks since that seems to be a common theme. I had just finished going through the training process for my MOS, and had returned to my battalion’s barracks before going to another school. That weekend a hurricane hit the coast of North Carolina, and as a result Camp Lejeune was shut down. No one was allowed on or off base, and Marines were told to stay indoors. Some of the things I saw:
- Several Marines getting their “jump wings” by parachuting from the 3rd floor with panchos.
- One Marine retrieving a “bottom sample” from the inside of a Buffalo water tank.
- Another Marine wake-boarding along a retention pond while being towed by a truck driving along the edge.
- Subsequent to a warning that all Marines must wear flak and kevlar when outdoors, one Marine strode around the barracks wearing nothing but said flak and kevlar.
All of this was happening in broad daylight, at about 4 in the afternoon.
NSFW – Had a new guy join the unit a week before we left for six months in Okinawa. Found out our new Marine was a virgin. A few guys pitched in money to get him laid in a whore house. We got him liquored up, took him out to the place and he got a woman. We were out in the “waiting area” and he was taken to a room RIGHT NEXT to where we were sitting. He starts going to town. The next thing we know, the prostitute starts screaming “My EYE! MY EYE! YOU CUM IN MY EYE!” and she peels out of the room running down the hall with her hand over her eye yelling “It burns! IT BURNS!” Classic Okinawa.
Any night in infantry barracks is the craziest story. We once had a guy shoot a deer with a bow on base (not legal where he was at) and bring it back to the barracks. A lot of very drunk Marines proceeded to skin it in someones shower and run around with different body parts and rubbing blood on our faces like some kind of drunken sacrifice. It was weird. I think it was a week night.
I was part of the 2003 Iraq invasion. Nothing hardcore, just a commo puke. Anyways, I was sitting by the door in our OPs tent when some white dust came in over the flap. It burned my eyes and tasted like bleach. So I called gas and went to MOPP 1.
Now remember, this was before we knew the chemical weapons was just a bunch of BS.
The gas alarm spread far and wide and soon I think I had everyone in southern Iraq in gas masks.
Its funny now, but at the time I was scared shitless.
A slightly distant cousin of mine spent time in the Military, I think during the Vietnam war. One night, one of his fellow soldiers (who either wasn’t very observant, extremely sheltered, or just kind of stupid) comes up to him and says, “Hey, Kupelman, I hear there’s a Jew in our unit.” My cousin, deciding to play along, says, “Really? We should find out who it is!” They proceed to go around and wake up each solider by shining a flashlight in their face and asking if they were the Jew. And that is how my Jewish cousin participated in a Jew hunt.
Not THE craziest but one of the funniest. I was in the US Army and we were in Germany doing some training with our counterparts there. It was only about 20 standing around in forest including Germans. One of the Germans were telling us about how they do things and one of our guys were translating for us. In the middle of his briefing, our guy let rip one of the biggest farts I’ve heard. It didn’t even phase him. He just kept on translating. The German instructor just stops and stares at him in disgust. We all just start busting up laughing.
I was a Paralegal in the military. We would always receive a copy of the previous night’s police blotter. One of the most disturbing reports was of a young Soldier drunk in downtown Korea. He was out past curfew and was spotted by the MPs. He tried to make a run for it through an alley and then climbed on top of a small shed or building. He then tried to parkour his way to freedom across the rooftops of these shops. Little did Ezio know, he would fall through one of these roofs and impale is asshole on a pipe.
I was conscripted into the german army. We had a game called (roughly translated) Closet drinking. It goes like this: You need lots oft beer (We had 24 bottles each) and sit down on top of your room’s closet. You start drinking. First one to fall of or leave the top to take a piss pays for all of the beer. If you don’t leave to piss you’re fine (back in the bottle).
Second one was gas-mask drinking. Remember those are completely closed, the only way to breath is through the filter. Our filter could be taken off and our canteen fit perfectly. So you would either drink the whole liter or choke to death (or rip the gas mask off if you weren’t a moron).
Not my story, but a man that is like family to me told this story of his time in Vietnam. He was riding down a river in a patrol boat, just talking to one of his friends on the boat, when he bent down to pick something up. When he looked back up, half of his friend was missing. He said it was like something out of a movie. His friend’s legs just standing there with no torso. He calls this his worst experience in the war. Though he has a couple others.
In 2003 I was in a bunker in Iraq. An old Iraqi division used to be stationed at this base and kept all of their demo in this old bunker. Being a Combat engineer, I have some experience with demo and landmines so I picked up a anti personnel mine that had the fuse removed and waited by the entrance for my friend to approach. When he got in sight I yelled out, “heads up” and chucked the landmine at him. I’ll tell you, I saw the exact moment his asshole puckered up.
Oh and I also took a nap on a bed of these disarmed land mines. The beginning of a war is the best time to be at war. No brass, no rules, no fucks given.
First day at FT Sill, you’re actually held in in-processing for 3 days before you go to boot camp (Army). Well the hold over barracks are there also. Hold over is for people who were drop outs, or recycled soldiers who got hurt, or had to wait for another class for some reason. Anyways one of the guys went nuts during his boot I guess, he was waiting on his discharge. Long story short, dude climbs up on top of the barracks. Its 3 stories tall, swan dives off. Face plants concrete sidewalks. Two drill sergeants run up to him start SCREAMING at the top of their lungs for him to get up, what the hell was he doing and such. Dude gets up walks away. 3 Months later I saw him in the chow hall, still waiting to go home. Most WTF thing I have ever seen.
Seeing a larger girl run away naked from 5 naked men carrying a 60mm mortar shell…yep that takes the cake.
I was stationed in Korea. I had just gotten my own room for the first time in over a year so I pushed the beds together, bought some satin sheets and a mink blanket to be comfy in. With my new found freedom I took a shower and walked out of the shower naked after toweling off. Now it was the odd time of the year when it wasn’t hot enough to have the AC unit in the barracks turned on so you needed to open up a window to get some air circulation in your room. I lived on the back side of the barracks on the second floor and I had my window wide open. My bed was pushed up against the wall. I decided I wanted to see what satin sheets and a mink blanket would feel like on my skin so I get a running start and jump on my bed. I slid straight out of my second floor window and landed on the soft grass below. Now the Military Intelligence barracks’ bus stop was right in viewing area of my landing area. So all they see is a naked dude flop out of the window land flat on his ass in the soft grass/mud mix, get up and run up the fire escape back to his room. Fun times.
I’m a female and while I was deployed in Afghanistan, I used to have to go down to the jingle truck yard on our FOB once a week and interview the drivers (for a larger thing I was working on). I took our terp with us, and we generally were able to get the interviews complete without incident. One day, however, I noticed our terp’s eyes widen and he got kind of embarrassed after speaking to one of the drivers. Turns out the driver asked our terp if he could buy me for $100USD because there was “no good pussy in Kabul”.
My dad’s friend. He was in Vietnam, volunteered for 4 tours. He was captured, put in POW camp with other Americans. He escaped, hung out in the jungles for a few days, made a fire, found some wire. He captured every Vietcong who imprisoned him, knocked him unconscious, and drug him back to his camp. He then took the wire, heated it up, and ran the wire from the guy’s waistline up through his neck, effectively skinning them alive while they screamed, he then ate some tissue, and killed each one with a hammer. After they were all dead, he finally went to be “rescued”. He’s in jail now, he was in Seattle and killed a guy in a bar. I remember him watching MMA with me saying how these MMA guys aren’t shit. I tried to argue with him, then he told me that story. My dad verified.
My great-grandfather was in the Navy during WW2 when one of the other sailors fell into the water. My great-grandfather dived in after him to keep him afloat. The guy was panicking so much, almost drowning both of them, that my grandfather had to punch him out (or at least stun him) until the ship could turn around, which took hours back them.
About 6 months ago, a suicide bomber detonated himself 15 meters from where I was standing in Afghanistan. His vest didn’t explode completely so the 45 pounds of explosives didn’t get set off, only the det cord. Attacks usually come in twos so getting out of there was pretty frightening. Being in a situation where you almost died, are worried there might be another attack, and may have to shoot someone is rough. Especially when all three of those things happen in the span of a couple minutes.
Well while in Afghanistan a buddy of mine told me his uncle was in Vietnam and while there his uncle was shot in the head. Everyone thought he was dead so they loaded the bodys in a back of a hum-v he was on the top of the stack. While the people were driving his unvle woke up screaming the two guys up front literally shit themselves. He said that he lost some of his memory from his tour. But he’s good now.
Our last month of a 15 month tour in Iraq in 2009 a specialist in my unit got drunk one night (yes, alcohol is contraband overseas), hopped into the company commander’s MRAP and straight up drove out the gate of Camp Liberty and drove around Baghdad piss drunk. I don’t know how he got out but he did. Finally he returned to the gate where Ugondan guards discovered him in his PT shorts… and without his kevlar on.
One of the funniest things I have seen was at basic training last year. There was a kid, about 18, that did not want to be in the Army for whatever reason. On our first PT test he failed miserably and complained that he had shin splints. After that he was put on profile and given crutches. He stayed with us all the way to the end of training. By the last few weeks we were all sick of having to carry his weight around. Well on the last Sunday we were all signing out to go to church. I don’t know what was said but all that I remember is little tink-tink turning around and going apeshit on one of the quietest guys in my platoon. He was swinging his crutch baseball bat style hitting everyone in sight. He knocked out three guys and gave two others stitches. He was later arrested and no one heard anything else about it.
I’m enlisted now, am currently in Afghanistan, but my grandfather’s stories from WWII are far more noteworthy. He was a tail gunner for a B-17 bomber. At the time, they had spent some time in Guam. It had come to his crews attention that they were missing two very important things to an enlisted man. Tobacco and booze. So they removed all the cargo they were carrying and flew from Guam to Sydney, loaded up on all the tobacco and alcohol they could find, and grabbed a few women as well, and flew back to Guam. I can’t find the picture now, but he was even awarded a medal for it. It was a little silver cutout of Australia engraved with the words “Battle of Sydney”.
When I was stationed in Sasebo Japan on the USS Belleau wood I went AWOL and flew home to see my girlfriend. I was gone for nine days, missed ships movement twice and had to catch up with it in Singapore. I went to XOI (Executive Officer’s Inquiry) and he only gave me extra duty for thirty days because while I was gone my wife and I got married. That will be 19 years ago January 2nd.
My grandfather told me a story of his brother during WWII. I know he fought in Normandy on D-Day, but I am not sure if that’s when this occurred. So, each guy was responsible for digging their own foxholes. My Great Uncle digs his. Shortly after he finishes, they come under fire. Before he can get into the hole, someone else jumps into it, stealing it from him, and forcing him to duck behind some other form of cover. Turns out, a mortar lands directly in his foxhole, killing the soldier that stole it from him. Always gives me the goosebumps whenever I think of it.
My dad’s story. He was at camp in Iraq in 2003 and a few locals were working on a roof and was told to stand guard. The men were mixing boiling tar with their bear hands and spreading it over the roof in 104 degree weather. How they did that I have no idea. Anyhow lunch time came around and they were eating something that looked like a burrito made with Pita bread. The locals kept asking if he wanted some so eventually he gave in and had a few bites. Dad asked them what it was and they told him some Arabic name that he did not know. They explained “goat, take head, in head find brain, this goat brain” he finished eating the sandwich burrito thing because he said it was delicious.
My Great Grandfather was sent over to Prague at the end of WWII. He was working at a place that was cataloguing all of the stuff that was being pulled out of Hitler’s home when he and his buddies came across Hitler’s personal car, which he took out for a joyride. Pretty badass I think.
When I was on the USS Enterprise in 2011 we had a Petty Officer 1st Class go parasailing naked in Portugal with a bunch of members of his shop. He ended up in mass and getting booted back to a 3rd class.
One shop locked one of the female airmen inside as a joke and she ended up cracking and taking the axe that they have for destroying confidential equipment to their gear.
I joined to get away from all the drugs I was surrounded by and once I was in I was surrounded by more, and better drugs. It was just like high school but we had to wear uniforms.
Here is a collection of some of my best things I saw drunk people do in Korea:
- Guy climbed halfway up the fountain at the main gate of Camp Casey about an hour after curfew. We were waiting at the gate for him to sober up before making the walk of shame. MP’s drove by and didn’t see him until he shouted, “HEY MP’S…. FUCK YOU!” and fell into the pool at the bottom. We fished him out and they actually let us walk him back to the barracks.
- Friend of mine left his group and passed out in the middle of the highway between the main gate and the “ville” and was found after curfew with a BAC of over 0.3, I still have no idea how he didn’t get run over.
- A different friend was found passed out at a bus stop on base and had a BAC of almost 0.4, the MP that found him thought he was dead and the medics he called couldn’t wake him up with smelling salts. I still have no idea how he didn’t die from alcohol poisoning.
I was a sailor for four years and while on shore leave in Thailand i saw a buddy get the ever loving shit kicked out of him by five trannies with sticks, they seemed to know muay thai or some shit. Got him back to the boat, but it all happened so fast and we were all so drunk an intervention wasn’t possible.
I had sex on the roof of one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces.
I removed a letter from a buddy of mine’s misspelled tattoo in my enlisted dorms. To answer your question: sandpaper, razor blades, and hydrogen peroxide.