A guy at work stood up at his cubicle, raised his keyboard over his head with both hands, and yelled “KIMBO SLICE MUTHA FUCKAAA!!!” and smashed it on the cubicle divider 5 or 6 times until it broke in half, then yelled BYAH!(hand motion and everything) and went to the bathroom. Got fired later that day, turns out he wanted to quit but also wanted a nice severance package, so he pulled that stunt.
A guy showed up for a job interview at my work (municipality). The job he applied for was an opening as a police officer. Now it clearly states on the application that you must go through a back ground check. This dumbass comes in for the interview, agrees to go have a background check and quickly gets arrested for his armed robbery charges he knew he had warrants for.
We had a guy in an office of forty people who was a little OCD. He would circle the entire room full of cubicles (it’s just one big open floor) about three or four times and then go in the mens restroom. If you entered the restroom while he was in there you would see two bare feet on one of those paper toilet covers, his pants and shirt would be hung over the stall, while he sat and pooped. He would also talk to his brother about sports on the phone. “Do you think Green Bay has a chance? Ughhhh.” Plop.
It happened about once a week for the three years that I worked there. Eventually we all learned not to go into the restroom for those 40 minutes.
While interviewing for my first job, I was with two other candidates. We were to be interviewed by separate managers. I saw the first candidate assigned to an empty managers office, who then promptly sat down and lit up a cigarette. He didn’t get the job.
At my first job ever, I worked with a meth head. Like he did meth in the bathroom. Meth. He had worked there for two years and never got caught.
One day he came up to me after the store closed (this was a grocery store) and asked if I could cover the last hour of his shift since he covered an hour for me earlier this week. I said sure and he was so excited that he took a bottle of windex off the shelf and took a drink of it.
Back in my days of working at Lowe’s, I had an especially lazy employee that was always searching for inventive new ways to sleep during his hours. After hiding behind plants or aisle caps in lumber for a few weeks, he kicked things up a notch by opening the door displays, and sleeping on the inside of the aisle. After reviewing some video footage from the HR office, we discovered his sleeping nook which was furnished with a number of pillows, blankets, assorted electronic devices, and a battery-powered lamp. He was fired soon after, but it was the most impressive display of workplace ingenuity I had witnessed being put toward sleep, at that time.
I had a patient of mine in the ER where I work take his colostomy bag off and start swirling it around over his head like and over zealous stripper. Thanks to our lovely friend physics, this sent the contents of the bag flying all over the room like a damn sprinkler. That was a shitty Monday.
Watched a coworker throw a fresh-out-the-oven pizza at a customer after they commented on her rack.
Working at a UK electricity company office a decade ago. Needless to say it’s a very laddish environment.
This big lad comes back from the toilet, and his mate shouts across the office at him: “You’ve just been for a wank!” Big lad flaps his dick out in the middle of the office and replies: “It would have a sticky end if I had.”
Mixed gender office of course, there were women there.
I work at a restaurant where we have a lunch buffet during weekdays. One of our employees is a first responder and she is also in the national guard. She witnessed an old man at the buffet crash to the floor grabbing his chest. Superstar employee proceeds to perform CPR and dude pukes in her mouth, she spits it out on the floor next to him, pukes, and continues with CPR. As all of this is happening, people are walking around them to get more food from the buffet because they had to eat quickly and make it back to work. EDIT: The gentleman did not make it.
I used to be the first one in at a Bakery/Cafe every morning. One morning I went in, turned on the ovens/lights/music as I did every morning. About 20 seconds after I had turned the lights on I see the owner of the Cafe laying in one of the lounge chairs with his shirt half off and his pants around his ankles..
I didn’t ask.
In conference room, during meeting, boss gets up, walks to the corner of the room, and while still talking unzips his pants and pisses in a fake plant. He then sits back down like nothing happened, still mid-sentence.
I worked as a line cook years ago. one day a new cook started, this young kid who in 5 minutes of working announced to the rest of the cooks “I hope none of you are fags, cause I hate them.” We all then proceeded to pretend we were gay. We would do things like compliment each other bodies, flirt, go into the walk in freezer and then come out like we just had sex, and flirt with guy.
He quit that night. We lol’d.
When I was a consultant at a large insurance company, an employee with some issues (obviously) climbed over the chest-high glass railing on the fourth floor of the atrium and jumped to her death. It was in the middle of the workday.
Co-worker crushed pain killers on his desk then snorted the lines.
20 years back I worked at a bank and had to get coins out of the vault for our cash desk. Caught my colleague banging the secretary in the vault. Colleague quit the job soon after, traveled the world and is now the owner of a glossy magazine in Mexico City.
From my days as a valet at a hotel. Bellman taking fruit from fruit baskets for intended guests and rubbing them on his balls when they were rude. Valets racing and crashing cars. Valets having sex with each other in cars. Bellman going into cars after woman got out and sniffing the car seats. Valets super gluing the gas cap on to the car when they were treated rudely.
I worked with a girl who faked kidney failure, dialysis, surgery the whole bit, to take advantage of the company’s sick-leave policy. she’d come back from weekends sunburned but always had a story of why she was outside during the weekend (i.e. watching her brother play kickball). She was found out when we contacted her parents to try to get her hospital room number so that we could send her get-well flowers.
When I worked for a mortgage bank about 7 years ago I used to regularly see guys blowing lines in the bathroom all day long and/or juicing up. I talked to the president of the bank at the time, to which he just shrugged his shoulders, not caring as long as they were selling loans.
I also used to regularly see shady guido-types forging loan documents, like asset verifications, faked W-2 forms and borrowers authorizations, in order to push a loan going through. Fucking disgusting. Glad I jumped off the burning ship 6 years ago, right before the sub prime mortgage industry blew up.
I had a female coworker that showed me her photo shoot in “Purely 18” magazine once. She was eventually let go after it came out that she was blowing coworkers in one of the breakout rooms. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal, but the salespeople she was blowing — about 8 of them — had a gambling pool going to see which of them could get blown first each day. They’d throw in 20 bucks and whoever got the first hummer took the pot. Tons of people got shitcanned over it after they caught her on video after someone snitched. Shortly thereafter windows were installed in the breakout room doors, and her name was like Voldemort for a little while—say out loud upon pain of termination.
Worked at Kohls. We used to stock shoes, two people just for shoes. The older guy was this slick, always smoking weed black dude. He showed me the “ropes”. We would mad dash restock in half and hour, conveniently block the top stock cameras with shoe boxes and then make beds out of bootboxes and sleep for 6 hours. The lights were motion timed, so if someone was coming the lights came on to warn us. Did this for a year. A YEAR. Also, fuck baby shoes. Restocking 300 tiny boxes is torture.
Caught a 12 and 13 year old having sex on a bench in the middle of a theme park during a Christian rock concert. Security wouldn’t release them to their pastor and called their parents to pick them up, who lived 7 hours away.
Oh god. I was 18, waitressing at a small, family owned restaurant. Another of the waitresses was a 40something woman with a prosthetic leg. She was always kind of odd, but the thing that happened this day was unforgivable. We were in the middle of a busy shift and she suddenly disappeared. 20 minutes later, we were all having to finish her tables, and I went to look for her. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was unresponsive. I went to get the manager, as this clearly was not a good situation.
She didn’t say a word. Just as the manager yelled, “you need to tell us you’re okay, or we’re calling the police/paramedics”, she came running(with a prosthetic leg, not very fast) out the door, and through the front door, to her car, and left. There was blood everywhere. Dripped heavily all over the floor and toilet. There was also a used maxi pad, and several unopened ones. On the back of the door, she had drawn a frown face in her menstrual fluid.
I’m a sign language interpreter so my work “place” varies, but one day many years ago I was interpreting a dental appointment. The hygienist came in first and realized the client was Deaf, which filled her with a great concern. “Have you ever had anyone pray to open your ears with a Jesus Ring-of-Fire?” she asked all full of emotion. I interpreted her question, my client’s response was “No” – she then offered to pray “for his ears to open.” He indicated that would be fine. Suddenly the hygienist dropped to her knees and started praying fast and loud. I managed to interpret everything, being faithful to tone and content. The Deaf client was rather impressed with her energetic display. She finished, stood up and asked him, “Can you hear now?” He responded, “Nope, still deaf.” She was, apparently, devastated. I got the feeling that she really expected the prayers to work. There was a long awkward moment of silence, then my client asked, “Do get my root canal now?” (Hard part for me was remaining serious throughout this entire episode.)
I was working as a contractor at a government facility and this guy who was a week from retiring showed up with a gun and held his female boss at gun point after having her strip naked and parading her through the facility.
Working as a janitor at a church, I’ve seen fellow employees turn the heat up in the baptismal fountain and use it as a hot tub. Also have seen people steal and snack on the wine and hosts and someone got a blowjob during work in a confessional.
I was in the security’s command center one time and I saw a co-worker eat something off of the ground on one of the cameras. To this day, I’m not sure what it was. It looked like bird shit. She walked up, leaned down, stared at it… put her finger in it, brought it back to her mouth and even kept her finger in her mouth for a good 6 seconds. It was special.
Quiet guy I work with hides a nickel in another coworker’s telephone every day. WTF?
I used to work at Culver’s when I was in high school. There was a really stupid kid that worked with me. My boss didn’t like him at all. My boss was a douche lord. He drove a nice car. He hit that dumb kid with his car in the parking lot and the kid was so stupid that my boss actually convinced him to pay for the resulting dent in the hood. The kid was fine. Still dumb though.
The pressure on one of my workmates had been getting to him. We were all sure he was going to crack at some point because he’d been mouthing off to clients and had been progressively getting sloppier in his personal appearance. One morning, he came in with a bag full of hay, glued the hay to his office door and left a note with an arrow pointing to one specific piece of hay.
The note said “THIS is the last straw! I quit!”
I came in to work one morning and found our Head of Development hanging from a wooden beam. Definitely the most terrifying moment of my life. I immediately got sick from the smell and sight of his decomposed body. The whole office was closed for about a month afterwards.
I worked night shift in a factory that coated paper with a chemical that turned it into the part of the sticker that you could throw away. I worked with about a dozen other guys, one of whom was known for being tired and sluggish all the time because he refused to admit that he worked the night shift and just stayed up after work most of the day until he passed out.
This one day he kind of disappeared, and we finally found him sound asleep inside of a dumpster. Someone told the foreman, and without saying a word, he walked over to the dumpster, wheeled it to this huge trash compactor and dumped him into it… then turned the fucking thing on. The guy starts screaming, but my foreman hits the kill switch right away and says, “Sorry. I didn’t see you in there. Get back to fucking work.”
I once had a co-worker lift me up on the forklift/lift truck to the top rack in the back corner of our warehouse where I took a 2 hour paid nap.
Working in McDonald’s. Some guy peed in the onions.