Thought Catalog

The iPad 2: Reviewed by a Guy Who is About to Kick Your Ass

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Hey, asshole! Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you, chief.

You and me? It looks like we got ourselves a problem. And you know I don’t like problems, so I think we settle this thing right now. See, from what I heard, you’re a little bitch who’s thinking about possibly buying the iPad 2 – and that on top of that, you’re interested in getting some fucking additional information first before you commit to making the purchase. Did I get that shit correct, or are you gonna call me a liar to my face? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Pussy.

I can only assume that if you bought the iPad 2, you’d just use it to watch Lifetime movies and other gay shit all day – which would be a shame, because it’s truly a clear improvement over it’s predecessor and capable of much more sophisticated tasks. The first difference your chump ass will probably notice is that the backside is much flatter, which makes the device exceptionally more comfortable to use, whether it’s on a the table or in your fat hands.

You know what? Let’s take this outside, just you and me. Alright, it’s on now, motherfucker!

The other noticeable change, of course, is the weight; the iPad 2 is about .2 pounds lighter than the first generation iPad – a fact you’d know already if you weren’t such a dumb little bitch. You’ll also want to keep in mind that there are now cameras on the front and the back: the camera on the back can record in HD; the camera in the front you can use to take pictures of your huge vagina.

Go ahead, bro, take the first punch. I dare you! And don’t forget about the new A5 dual-core processor that accounts for the improved graphics capability and speeds that are twice as fast as a CPU! Just thinking about what Infinity Blade will look like on the iPad 2 makes me want to kick your fucking teeth out.

Oh, you want some of this? How about Photo Booth and video calling functionality – you want some of that? Because with the iPad 2, you’ll get those things. However, what you won’t get is the Retina hi-resolution display that’s found on the Apple’s flagship iPhone 4, which is almost as disappointing as your mom was in bed last night. Just something to consider.

Alright here’s how I see this going down, asshole: me hitting you, you hitting the ground, and you being overall very satisfied with your purchase if you decide to go with the iPad 2. It’s more fun to use, nicer on the eyes, and easier to hold. And you know what else?

JUDO CHOP TO THE FACE! TC mark

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  • Vee

    This is the fucking stupidest thing I've ever read.
    No, not in a “so ridiculous that it's really funny” way, in a “I am hitting my head against a hard surface repeatedly” way.

    • Brandon scott gorrell

      i am receiving extremely unchill vibes from this comment

  • garth

    i bet this guy is really thrilled to have “nad” in his name

  • http://twitter.com/BrotherBear_Ry Ryan Culliver

    A whole new level of “aggressively informative”. I liked it.

  • MC

    When I think about who would think this is funny, I feel sad.

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    where's the 'it's thinner and will only be around for a few months' joke?

  • http://twitter.com/thedavidou David Ou

    why so mad?

  • skyrien

    For the benefit of the author, I will assume that this article was trying to be funny.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Khaligula Khalil Pineda

    idiotic article…

  • LDN

    i feel bad now because i actually smiled to myself.

    however the more i read it the more i was thinking 'this sounds like sex talk'

  • http://twitter.com/nanabuuui Anna B

    I love the anger !!!

  • Brandon scott gorrell

    i like it

  • tyler77s

    hey CHARLES – – this actually makes me want to fight you man! even your fist flattening my nose would be more enjoyable than reading this “article.” You wanna fight now bro? lol lets go.

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