Best Melodramatic Oscar-Bait Crying

And the award goes to…Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables!

Best Egregiously Depressing Foreign Film About Old People Slowly Dying

And the award goes to…Amour, directed by Michael Haneke!

Best Dramatic Career Rejuvenation of a Moderately Talented (At Best) Former Leading Man Somehow, Almost Magically, Like A Trick, Into George Clooney-Wave Actor/Director/Producer Triple-Threat

And the award goes to…Ben Affleck! What the hell, man, seriously thought your career was over and now you’re aging gracefully as hell into a second chapter. Feel like you signed a deal with Satan, bro.

Best Creator of Good Will Through Choice Interview Quotes That Make You Sound Like A Modest, Funny, Thoroughly Likable Person (In Addition to Being a Good Actress and Very Physically Attractive)

The award goes to Jennifer Lawrence!

Best Adaptation of Cornball Literary Novel Into Visually Spectacular Movie I Can’t Imagine Ever Going To See Despite Liking Many of His Other Films

And the award goes to…Ang Lee, for Life of Pi!

Best Director Who Used to Make Idiosyncratic, Clever, Funny, Personal Films and Who Now Makes Enjoyable-Enough Movies with Significantly Less Style and Personality That Seem Like They Could Be Directed By Anyone

And the award goes to…David O. Russell! And I know I’m being harsh. I liked Silver Linings Playbook. But it’s no I <3 Huckabees nor is it Flirting With Disaster or Three Kings.

Best Cliche-Ridden, Self-Serious, TV-Drama-Quality Film About Capital-I Important Historical Event that is Technically Impressive and “Well-Done” If you Like Grave Thrillers with no Personality or Sense of Humor or Unique Style But If You Want More Than Just Knuckle-Biter Thriller Will Leave You Cold

And the winner is…Zero Dark Thirty, or pretty much any of Kathryn Bigelow’s movies.

Best Ill-Advised Approach to Doing Voice of Historical Figure

Daniel Day-Lewis! For Lincoln.

Best Quentin Tarantino Movie Released This Year

And the award goes to…Django Unchained!

Best James Franco

James Franco.