1.) “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.” – Drake
How many times have you been scrolling down your feed and come across a quote credited to your exes favorite Canadian export, Drake, (don’t even try mentioning Canadian bacon when pancetta exists.) that he definitely didn’t say? How about seeing something like, “There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live….the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.” Monte Cristo wrote this to his friend, Maximilian, as an explanation to why he allowed Maximilian to go an entire month believing the love of his life, Valentine, was dead. Jessica posts this quote to drive home just how totes unbearable Mondays are. Facebook ruined quotes.
2.) “Everyone’s having babies & I’m over here eating pizza.” – Drake
Pre-Facebook I had seen a total of 3 baby pictures and that was only because I had to flip through them to get to the Blockbuster card in my Dad’s wallet. (Air Bud: Golden Receiver wasn’t going to rent itself.) Now, I get more baby pictures popping up than iTunes updates. Babies do like 4 things: sleep, smile, convulse, make Nicolas Cage facial expressions. Nobody needs to see 20 different pictures a day of that, except that Nic Cage fan in the comments that really liked “Drive Angry”. Babies used to be the physical representation of perfection, joy and the Morph Thing app, but when friends tell me they’re expecting I tell them I am as well – expecting to miss GQ’s post, in 9 months, on which tie knot is in this season. (When in doubt go with the Four-in-Hand knot, the same technique I’ll use with that pizza I mentioned.) Facebook ruined babies.
3.) “Why haven’t you added me yet?” – Drake
Do you tend to avoid people who’ve sent a friend request that you’ll never approve like they’re a phone call from Sallie Mae. There are some people who you know in a group setting, but not well enough that you want to grant them access to just how weird you are and that’s ok. You’re no monster and Facebook knows this, that’s why instead out flat-out denying them, you can gently push them back into the acquaintance circle they tried to escape from with the “not right now” button. I’ve scarred relationships over not approving requests. If your Dad is texting you, “What’s a meme? Is it Gif or Jif, like the peanut butter? Speaking of Jif, are you eating well? Do you need money? Are you working?” go ahead and feel free to cancel his membership to your online life. If your mom just doesn’t understand your cat humor pull the plug on her as well. Facebook ruined personal relationships.
4.) “Ooh, there’s a new Homeland tonight.” – Drake
You have something due in 24 hours and you’re trying to use 4 of those hours to get it done because all the good shows come on Sundays. Everything is going smooth until your train of thought is lost. You have to take a break and let your brain reset. Facebook sounds like the perfect place to relax and see what friends had to say about the night’s shows. (Watch out for anybody named Sean. Sean’s are always posting spoilers.) 3 hours later you’re still there, playing Candy Crush, leaving “Wow ;)” comments on your crush’s vacation photos. I’ve actually been so distracted by Facebook that I’ve opened another tab and loaded Facebook in that one as well. It’s in that moment of darkness that you have to tell yourself you’ll be calling in sick tomorrow. Facebook ruined productivity.
5.) “Listen to this Miley Cyrus bollywood dubstep remix cover of Kiss From A Rose.” – Drake
We all have those friends that are constantly posting the worst music. Not only is their music taste extremely questionable (like, “Is Brody still a terrorist?” and “What’s up with Dana’s finger-play?” questionable). They also post the poorest quality youtube video of the song. The kind of video where it sounds like the song was recorded via Yak Bak. So, while they sit down in the passenger seat and reach for your aux plug, you’re just staring at that little iPod with so much disdain, as if it had slapped your mother in the face and told her that her mac and cheese was no good. The only subtle way to avoid this situation is to throw your keys as far as you can out of the window and sprint off in the other direction. Facebook ruined car-DJ privileges.