One complaint I keep hearing about Game of Thrones is that there just aren’t enough characters to keep up with, resulting in a painfully narrow plot focus. To remedy this issue for next season, I suggest the show import characters from existing shows to spice things up. I’ve prepared a tentative cast list below.
1. Carrie Bradshaw
On her way to check out the new Manolo Blahnik shipment in Qarth, Carrie is waylaid by a Dothraki khalasar, who worship her for her equine features. They are perplexed, however, when their bushy-haired messiah cannot mount a horse in six-inch heels.
2. Maeby Fünke
The web of intrigue at King’s Landing weaves even tighter when Maeby arrives, claiming to be a scion of House Blutheon (sigil: a chocolate banana). Maeby works her way up the royal ladder from chambermaid to Cersei’s personal eyebrow consultant, making time to set humiliating traps for Varys and Littlefinger. Upon learning of Cersei and Jaime’s family dynamic, she immediately dispatches a raven to George Michael. (“I like the way they think,” he responds, and promises to visit). Maeby is ultimately forced to flee King’s Landing by the abundance of squabbling Lannisters she promised to marry.
3. April Ludgate
April’s friend Oren sets her up with an internship serving the Lord of Light under his aunt Melisandre. Despite April’s complete lack of enthusiasm (she refers to the Lord, between texts to Andy, as “a total genius”), Melisandre insists she has a bright future in the priestesshood. April gives her two weeks after witnessing her boss administer nude leech therapy, then crashes with the Tyrells under the name Janet Highgarden.
4. Nurse Jackie
Jackie takes over nursing duties for Robb Stark’s camp when Talisa resigns due to her pregnancy. She wins the Starks’ hearts with her no-nonsense operating style and ability to tie a mean tourniquet, but incurs Catelyn’s suspicious side-eye when half the supply of milk of the poppy goes missing.
5. Don Draper
As Creative Director for the Westerosi military, Don designs ad campaigns for Lucky Spike (“She’ll have to look”) and Wildfire (“Put down the poison; Daddy’s home”) while bedding every courtesan in the Red Keep, all the while concealing his true identity as Eddick Whitbane, son of a Night’s Watchman who broke his vows with a wildling girl. Don shares many a bonding cocktail hour with Tyrion Lannister, in which they subtly reference their respective daddy issues.
6. Shoshanna Shapiro
Shosh uses a study abroad scholarship from NYU to tail Daenerys Targaryen on her journey across the Narrow Sea. Unable to tell Dany’s Unsullied apart, she unwittingly strikes up a relationship with four of them. She tries Dany’s patience with her incessant chatter, and the dragons incinerate the adorable collars she fashions for them. Ever undaunted, Shosh returns to Brooklyn with a new catchphrase (“It is so known”), and adds her new title, “Unattached Bleeder (of Dragons)” to her résumé.