Men try to figure it out, but many don’t get it. Does she want candles lit for romantic lighting, or candle wax dripped on her nipples? Does she want to be made love to softly with feeling, or f*cked from behind with mad passion? I asked 1,000 women what they really wanted from men in the bedroom. They got real. They got raw. And they got honest.
1. Undress her… slowly.
“I want to be slowly unwrapped and revealed, like a present.” — Debbie B.
“He needs to take his time with me until I can’t handle it. And I want to see him want me. It drives me crazy.” — Michelle S.
Too often, couples get down to business. And while that really works on many occasions, because that’s raw passion. Seduction can — and should — also be slower, and not rushed. Reveal her body slowly and let your eyes and hands hover, brush, caress and grip places your tongue will soon follow.
Bottom line: Anticipation and appreciation go a long way.
2. Sex in public.
“The possibility of being caught or seen is a huge turn-on for me. We don’t have to have full penetration, but getting close works great. I’ve started going out without panties on so he can start things wherever we are.” — Erika D.
She might not want to actually have sex in public (getting arrested isn’t good), but the thrill of being observed is a huge turn-on for many women. After all, part of the excitement when you’re a teenager is not getting caught doing… whatever. Why would that change in adulthood?
To the guy who thinks his girl “wouldn’t be like that”: Yes, your girl is indeed very much like that.
3. Let her take control.
“I really like being in control. Not every time, but sometimes. And I don’t want to hurt him; I just want to do things to him. Things that please him, but also things that let him know he is not in control; I am.” — Karen W.
Power can be a big aphrodisiac for many people, men and women alike. And just like their male counterparts, many women want to not be on the receiving end of control. While most respondents weren’t looking for a BDSM lifestyle, over half (53%) were just as clear that they wanted their man to experience some level of submission, at least one time — tie him up, spank him, have access to all parts of him. And others (9%) were looking to have the same power as a man where it wasn’t enough for her to be on top… she wanted him on the bottom.
Bottom line: She has just as much desire as he does… and she wants the opportunity to show him.
“I love when he dresses up in his old Navy uniform. I didn’t know him then, so it makes things different, and men-in-uniform really turn me on.” —Jessie L.
“My husband has a foot fetish. When I wear stockings and heels, he loses his mind.” — Erica M.
“Maybe I’m all screwed up, but I like playing the naughty school girl (with pigtails!), and he’s the teacher who punishes me for getting my homework wrong.” — Hanna R.
Taking on a different persona can be freeing and allow for actions and thoughts to play out that in reality, you wouldn’t be able to follow-through on. By putting on a costume or assuming a different role, you can kill off inhibitions and self-conscious insecurities that prevent pleasure.
Bottom line: Assuming a new role can not only be fun, it can eliminate relationship dynamics that might stifle sexual freedom.
5. Variety of motion and movement.
“There are times I want him to go slowly, with love and affection. And other times I want it fast, hard, deep, and with aggression! I mean, just F*CK ME!” — Paula B.
“I want a combination of in-and-out with a clockwise rotation. It accesses all of me, and the top of his pelvis brushes my clit on the upward motion.” — Shanna E.
“I want his hands moving. I want him to stay touching and feeling me as he is inside me.” — Penni J.
Over 80% of respondents said that they experienced many men as oftentimes having one speed — fast — with several mentions of “BAM-BAM-BAM-BAMBAMBAM!” (Yes, seriously.) Women are looking for variety in the motions as well as the types of caresses/touches (both where it happens and the amount of pressure initiated). They want you to keep your hands, tongue and mouth engaged, and to be more adventurous with body position.
Bottom line: Women’s bodies are fun to explore. Experiment and try things as she allows. She’ll thank you later.
6. Make it all about her.
“Nothing better than a massage with slow circles on my back, and baby oil down my legs.” — Yolanda K.
“I love when he will do anything to make me come. I’m not difficult, but that he wants it so bad is awesome!” — Fran U.
“Listening to what works and what doesn’t is so great. I’m kinda complicated. He is patient and takes his time.” — Donna J.
“I want him to look at me, directly into my eyes, especially as he puts it in. OMG.” — Samantha D.
She wants to feel special. She wants to feel desired. And she might want to be spoiled, too. But let’s remember that she is also allowing another human being inside her body, and that comes with a combination of comfort, submission, and trust.
Bottom line: Take the time to make things about her, and she will more than willingly reciprocate. A little extra goes a long way.
7. Go down… now and always.
“I love when he goes down on me. Seriously. And if I get it first, it relaxes me SOOOO much and I come SOOOO hard. Then he can pretty much have his way with me.” — Joanne S.
“Going down is a really personal act. If I let him, he is really ‘in’ with me.” — Kat H.
“I like when he does it, but I like knowing that he wants to. That he wants to taste me is such a turn-on.” — Anna G.
“I want his tongue on me, in me, circling me. Hang on. I have to go lol” — Consuela H.
According to various studies, approximately 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone. That means if he’s not going down, there’s a good chance she’s not getting all she can out of the situation. If she allows him to put his tongue in the Holiest of Holies, he better not only value it, he needs to know what he’s doing, which actually means: How does she like it, when and how often.
Oral sex is a special level of intimacy. It creates a trust when you allow someone to experience your body so closely. And, that trust and allowance can provide for incredible physical and mental release and pleasure.
Bottom line: Go down. (What else is there to say?)
8. Take control.
“Stop waiting for me to always take control. You want me? Come take me!” — Lona T.
“I need him to manhandle me a little bit. I want to feel him want me. Put me against the wall and pull my clothes off.” — Gina D.
“I like [my boyfriend] forceful. I want my hands pinned back with him taking me.” — Shawn E.
“I like my hair pulled A LOT. I want to know he has control.” — Kris R.
Once they let their guards down, a full 91% of respondents said it clearly: They wanted a man to take charge in the bedroom. This answer came from women in all walks of life: stay-at-home moms, power attorneys, women in their 20s, women in their 40s, emo girls, executives… it didn’t matter. And the reason is simple: It’s primal. Heterosexual women want to be afforded pleasure at the hands of a man who is confident, capable, and passionate. In essence, she wants to just let go. She wants to trust, release and just be a woman who is sexual, sensual, and feminine. She wants to trust and hand control over to a man who will not use his power against her.
Bottom line: A woman wanting a man to take charge in the bedroom is the ultimate gift. It says that she trusts him with her. She is allowing him to take her. She wants a man who is confident, charming, alluring, captivating, mysterious and bad — all the while caring deeply for her integrity and self-respect by not thinking that the submission and control in the bedroom translates to “She’s my bitch” in the real world.
Disclaimer: “Control” and “forceful” does not mean angry or violent. Before trying anything new/rough/forceful, discuss boundaries and limits with your partner.
9. Foreplay begins outside the bedroom.
“He just starts. We walk in the bedroom, and he expects me to just flip on my back, automatically be wet, and ready for him to start thrusting.” —Monica F.
“I’m not an outlet that can just be PLUGGED INTO.” — Deb G.
“Make me want you!” — Fran T.
“A man’s intelligence is a HUGE turn-on for me.” — Juanita G.
For some men, there are two types of foreplay: being touched and the anticipation of being touched. What these guys don’t seem to realize is that their version of foreplay is in direct opposition to a woman’s largest erogenous zone: her mind. There’s no substitute for mental stimulation and intelligent discussion as foreplay.
Arousal for a woman often starts long before she is consciously aware it is happening. She is turned on by a look, by a statement, by his wit and even his willingness to listen without judgment. Seduction is an art form, and requires effort. It demands focus on her. She wants to feel important. She wants to matter. She wants to feel desired.
Bottom line: A woman’s largest erogenous zone is her mind, and a guy’s words and actions are the ultimate tools for effective foreplay.
10. Kiss her. Really kiss her.
“I want him to kiss me deeply. Slowly. I want to feel him love me and want me.” — Marta L.
“Sometimes I need a nibble with my kisses. He needs to let me know he’s into me.” — Faith V.
“Kiss my lips! Kiss the inside of my thighs! Kiss my neck! Kiss my hand! And please… kiss me as you enter me when we are making love.” — Michelle N.
“I like when he kisses me in public. I’m not one for PDA, but to show everyone that he cares is really special.” — Betty C.
Kissing is very intimate. It’s a closeness that is personal, passionate, and communicates a variety of things from the first kiss onward.
A simple kiss is often the initial gauge by which one might judge the success of a relationship. According to scientists who make their careers studying kissing (they are called osculologists), there’s an enormous amount of neurotransmitters, evolutionary biology and instant assessments of potential life-mates.
What she wants in a kiss: Start gently. Let your mouth wander as she allows, but pay attention to her responses. Light strokes on cheeks, neck, and back get extra points, as these areas are usually ignored (at least initially). At the beginning, a light caress is definitely recommended, and should give way to a harder touch and grip as kissing continues. Timing is everything. Start slowly, and stay slow enough to watch for signs that encourage more rapid movement and advances. Kiss her lips, cheeks, eyelids, and neck slowly until she makes it clear she can’t handle another second without… more.
Let it build. Kiss her against the wall, kiss her leaning across the front seat of the car, kiss her in the shower… just kiss her. And be sure to kiss something besides her mouth: the nape of her neck, her ankles, her wrists. Do it slowly and sensually and you will unlock her passion.