Confessions Of An Ice Queen

I realized I had severe trust issues the day a stranger offered me shelter from the pouring rain. It was a simple, kind gesture that I was so doubtful of, I chose to walk in the rain instead, soaking me from head to toe.

I have stopped giving the benefit of the doubt to anyone since God knows when, and it’s starting to eat me inside because I keep pushing away the only people whom I truly ever care about.

I do not know when I started building a wall so that no one will ever be able to come in. I am cold on the exterior, but it is not an act or a pretense to be so aloof to increase my allure. I’m not doing it on purpose. It’s like an innate defense mechanism that I can’t seem to override.

I have watched a loved one attempting to take her life for an unrequited love, and it was not romantic at all. The pain which I felt when I came to know what she did and the emotional turmoil the family had to go through was indescribable, and it got me questioning the necessity of being in love. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I don’t want to be in love. It’s that I’m too afraid to trust it.

I’m harsh, defensive, and have a seemingly impenetrable barrier, but it is not meant to keep you at bay. I’m only being careful. The fact that I lashed words out at you does not mean I do not care.

It takes a while for me to let my guard down. Each time you feel discouraged and don’t know how else to get me to open up, don’t give up. Perhaps this is the only way I can tell you how I honestly feel, since it is so difficult for me to open up to you.

Whenever I try to open up, I have a strong urge to run away.

That “wall” which I have built was not only to protect people from coming in, but to protect them from me, from the hurt which I can cause because of what I’ve done in the past.

So tell me: If I am a can of worms, do you still want to open it?