I’m about to do one the craziest things I’ve ever done in my life.
I’m quitting my job. With no backup plan. After I just bought a house. While my boyfriend is out on disability.
If bad timing was an Olympic sport, I’d win a gold medal.
But I realized the other night, in the middle of a panic attack, that I can’t keep living like this. Getting home late every night, being too drained to do anything except lie on my couch and watch re-runs of Teen Mom, thinking about work every second that I’m not there, feeling physically sick every morning, arguing with myself to get out of bed, constantly doubting myself, and genuinely hating the person I’ve become. Finding no joy in life whatsoever.
I remember being jealous that my co-worker broke her leg because she didn’t have to come to work for a month. I remember back in college when my schedule was much more hectic than it is now, but I still found time to sing in a band, engage in several independent writing projects, and have genuinely good times with family and friends.
I don’t remember the last time I did something that wasn’t work or crying. I realized that it’s not fair to myself. That I am responsible for my own happiness.
I realized it’s not fair to my family. That I’ve been pulling away and have become this miserable creature who always wants to be alone. I realized it’s not fair to my clients. Because if I don’t feel confident doing my job, can’t help them to the fullest extent possible.
Everyone says not to quit your job unless you have a new one. Or at least a plan of some sort. And it’s not like I haven’t been applying. But this job has made me so stressed out, so distracted, so unmotivated, that I know I won’t be able to figure anything out as long as I stay.
I know that I’m potentially looking at a pay cut. I know that I’m potentially going to be working 3 part-time jobs just to make ends meet. Jobs that I swore I’d never have to work again because I paid my dues and was now a professional. I have enough money saved that I can live comfortably for the next few months.
Am I afraid of what could happen if months go by and I don’t find anything? Absolutely. But I’m more afraid of what will happen if I stay.
To me, to my family, and to the clients whose lives I could damage from not having the courage to walk away when the time is right.