Folks of Hillcrest, I stand before you here today humbled, honored, and humbled to announce my candidacy for mayor. I believe I have the leadership, experience, expertise, and blue jeans necessary to lead this fine town back to greatness. But first, I wish to say I wouldn’t be here without the support of my ugly wife, Susan, and my smokin’ hot mistress, Electra. As well as my two wonderful sons, Champ and Rex, who used to be J. Crew mannequins; and my third bastard son who was a secret until just now, Shameface.
Unlike my opponent, who has spent years enshrined as a cog in our broken political machine, I got my experience in the private sector. An extremely private sector. I’m talking about my bedroom. I would stay up late at night and play SimCity 2000, a popular computer game that puts you, the player, in a position to plan, build, and manage a city of your own creation. I did that for two, maybe three years before I moved on to other things.
And I will bring that experience to bear on my governing in three ways. The first key to unlocking the future is a policy of economic diversification. In Hillcrest, we can no longer get by with only the industries of dentistry and journalism. Based on my experience, the backbone of any economy is construction and incomprehensible money accumulation — we’re not sure how or why, but the money arrow is in the up direction. That’s what we want. Our old industries can still play a part, of course. I look forward to a once-weekly, spinning, digital, one-page newspaper that has one headline and half an article. That’s what I had in my old towns. It’s what I’m used to. And it worked great.
Business advocates should know that I have a strong record of attracting corporations to my towns. I recommend we build a seaport if we don’t have one right now. Businesses love seaports. How’s our electrical grid? Does it connect to the power plant itself? I made that mistake when I was starting out. Corporations should love the fact that I’ve lowered taxes on a whim. Then I’ve raised them again to see what happens. Based on this experiment, I know that lower taxes are better. But if you skimp on transportation maintenance, whole sections of road can spontaneously turn into dust without you realizing it. It’s a balancing act, citizens.
I’ve noticed that here in McHenry County, there are some undeveloped yellow squares of land to the southeast. While it’s true that these squares have some trees on them, and that they are located on a steep, elevated ridge near an abyss, I believe this land can be a valuable resource to us. My first economic initiative will be to build a zig-zagging road to this land, bulldoze the trees, and make way for residences and businesses, such as tech start-ups, a fusion power plant, and a stadium next to a zoo next to a single wind turbine.
Thomas Jefferson once said, “That thing about freedom being important.” Citizens, I believe in freedom. I believe in growth and development. I believe that, from a bird’s eye view, when a neighborhood becomes kind of gray and weird-looking, it means there’s crime going on there. This brings me to my second topic.
While economic development is the stiff leather stirrup that will harness the future, fighting crime is the beer keg that will put the future on tap. If everyone had guns, crime wouldn’t exist because I forget why. For this reason, I’m supporting the Stand Your Ground Wild West Kill People Law, which definitely wasn’t underwritten by the gun lobby. But back to the economy, my strength. Earlier in the campaign, I met Joe the Plumber’s new wife, Jane. Two months ago, she was callously fired from her job as a plumber’s assistant. Now they’re sitting around the kitchen table, wondering which cat they have to sell to make ends meet. That won’t happen if I’m mayor.
I have trained emergency response teams to respond to all manner of monsters. If a tornado comes, I know what to do. A Hellspawn Demon Monster once attacked one of my cities. It had four black claws and a body like the Death Star. It had one, all-knowing eye. The eye was red. I dispatched the police to a spot under it in order to combat it in their meager way. We lost many good men that day. Many good men. But we defeated the monster and learned its weakness: getting bored and deciding to randomly float away off-screen. Diplomatic monster sanctions also helped.
The third predator drone attack that will detonate the past and forcibly inject the shrapnel of the future into our skulls is investment in infrastructure.
I intend to build: dozens of suspension bridges to nowhere, glowing blue underground water pipes, orange shining electric wires, and yes, even tiny, tiny parks with three trees. Hillcrest isn’t on a river. That could be a problem for me. I’m accustomed to exclusively river town terrain. The seaport idea might not work out. But I think I can make up for this by building a theater and an opera house. I know how to get things done.
My fourth important initiative is the see-through lingerie that will give the future a boner: we must rename our town after me. I recommend Chastown, or His Highness Greatness Chasville. New Chasfield and Rich, Sexy Chasland have already been used. The town motto will also be changed from “Not your average suburb of DeKalb” to “The Monaco of North Central Illinois.”
And if none of this works, we can always destroy everything, reboot, and start from scratch. Thank you.