1. Your body is now a human jungle gym. That whole your body is a sacred temple mumbo jumbo is over. Kiss that life goodbye and prepare for a plethora of bruises in the most obscure parts of your body.
2. Your clean car is also a thing of the past. Let me tell you something, before I was responsible for a tiny human life, my car was as clean as Danny Tanner’s. I emptied that thing out every day.
3. A whole new appreciation and admiration for Barney. If you want to freeze a toddler in time put on that obese purple dinosaur. After witnessing how star struck they are, you will then know how it looked inside a Jim Jones compound.
4. Grownup TV is now on a schedule. Their schedule, which includes Nap time and bed time…unless of, course your eyes go together from exhaustion.
5. Your house is now their house. If you like that beautiful zen sand garden on the coffee table, they’ll show you how much better it will look scattered across the floor. You’ll find you you’ve come to love a new way of decorating. The, “let’s make EVERYTHING completely none accessible,” way.
6. You here the word no so often that, in those few miraculous times you actually here the word, “yes,” you swear there are angels singing in the background.
7. Bargaining. You become a negotiator. I’m pretty sure if you can bargain with a toddler, you automatically become certified to be a hostage negotiator.
8. You have a whole new appreciation for appliances that come with, “child locks.” Shoutout to our refrigerator on that one!!
9. Privacy deleted. If you think it’s bad when your pets follow and subsequently watch you go to the bathroom, imagine adding a plus one to their viewing pleasure. You’d rather not? Okay, enjoy the screams and crying of a toddler that is collapsed outside your door until you’re finished.
10. A new fashion. The days of cute outfits have come to die. At the end of the day, or in just a few short hours, everything they’ve eaten will be wiped all over your body. In addition to the food, there will also be snot and drool rubbed everywhere. By the end of the day, you’ll likely resemble a homeless person. Don’t fight it, just go with it. Meanwhile, they’ll need changing about three times that day themselves.
11. Back in time. Dealing with a toddler all day is a lot like being back at college. They’re chugging sippy cups like it’s rush week, throwing things, yelling inaudibly, crying, & falling asleep in the weirdest of positions.
12. Going places is like packing for vacation. You need a plethora of supplies including but not limited to diapers, wipes, more diapers, cups, toys, shoes, a change of clothes, snacks, a stroller, DVDs.