In Another Life, I Would Have Stayed

I walked out of the party, satisfied that I had a great time catching up with old friends and making new ones. I was kind of buzzed on all that beer, and a bit lightheaded from all the cigarettes I’d been smoking. I didn’t even think twice about the person walking behind me. I guess everything was building up to that one moment we would meet and you would tell me about myself, I was caught off guard because it seemed as if you knew so much about me, and I knew nothing about you.

You asked me if I wanted to smoke with you, and I agreed. I watched you gracefully place the cigarette between your lips, light it up, and take a deep breath. You asked me about my classes, my current major, and the work I was doing at my internship. You seemed to know what questions to ask, and I guess it was to confirm all the things you knew about me. Still you remained a total stranger. I answered the questions, and asked you some as well, but I was probably too buzzed to remember any of the things you said. So why do I still believe that you remember anything I said?

We started getting closer and closer as we spoke about more intimate things, and before I knew it you had leaned in and kissed me.

I was utterly smitten by that kiss. And in that moment, all I could think about was kissing you again and again, until I couldn’t breathe, until I was exhausted, until we couldn’t kiss anymore. I know there were sparks between us, we had such natural chemistry, and I am about as certain as the sun that it wasn’t just me who had these feelings. We kissed more, and I liked it. After a while, I announced that I had to go. You begged me to stay. I desperately wanted to say yes, but I just couldn’t.

We were holding hands. I’ll never forget that. Our fingers intertwined and you didn’t want to let go. I walked towards my car and you stopped right in front of yours. I realize now that you didn’t even walk me to my door. I started walking and you pulled me back into your chest and kissed me goodbye. I smiled, I felt genuinely happy for once in my life. I kept walking to my car, and before I got in you called out asking for my number, I laughed, and told you that if you really wanted it, you would find a way to get it. I hoped with all my heart you would.

You never contacted me again. We never talked. We’d see each other on campus, do the awkward wave hello, but after a while it got old and we just stopped pretending that we were friends, and were forced to accept the reality that I was just another girl you made out with at a party, a new notch in your belt. It’s like that night never even happened. I was no one to you. And what hurt me was you made me think that I was more than just that to you.

When I play this scene over and over again in my head. I always ask myself the same thing: “Where did I go wrong?” I kept thinking about the possibility that, if I stayed, how different would things have played out. Maybe you’d find me worth your while. I desperately wanted you to realize that. But you never did, and I don’t think you would ever.

I know this sounds overly dramatic. I know it’s on me for fooling myself into thinking that there was more to that. Instead, this just became a contest of who could act like they cared less. I will never stop resenting myself for falling for you as hard as I did after just one kiss. I don’t know what made me so attached. Maybe it was the false hope you led me to believe or the sincerity of the words you said.

I’m a big talker when it comes to blaming you for all the hurt, but deep down I know that I can only blame myself.