8 Things You Need To Know Before Going To Your First Music Festival

Brace yourselves people, festival season is among us. With that in mind festivals also come with baggage, just like every crazy bitch you have encountered in life. Festivals are fun for the most part. My favorite is all the people that share the line-up, share the recap videos, tag their friends, and of course press “attend” 10 months before the festival and then don’t end up going. So here are 8 facts on what to expect when expecting your first festival.
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Unsplash

1. It ain’t all flower crowns and hot IG pics.

Ah yes, Kylie Jenner may have had a great look at Coachella, her makeup was sooooooo fab, but NEWS FLASH she is a celebrity and if you think you are going to pull off the Kylie lip kit, smokey eye bullshit you’re sadly mistaken. Attempt a smokey eye and you will be looking like Marilyn Manson.

PS. Don’t wear a fucking flower crown and refer to yourself as a flower child, you listen to One Direction and can’t name one Jimi Hendrix song.

2. You need $$$$$$$.

Festivals are a tad bit more expensive than your Forever 21 wardrobe. And by a tad bit I mean a fuck load. I’m talking camping pass, I’m talking alcohol, I’m talking food from the food truck, and I’m talking Plan B for your slutty ass.

Festivals will drain you of your heart and soul. (But will be totally worth it)

3. There will be drugs.

Whether you’re on them, your friend is, Or Billy who pissed his pants at 11 am and told your friend she had a nice sausage is on them (Thank you acid). Drugs are everywhere at a festival; it doesn’t mean you have to participate…. But if you’re the preacher’s daughter you might want to go to the Demi Lovato concert tour instead because you can’t run from people fucked on molly…they are everywhere.

4. Fuck your tent.

I don’t give a fuck what anybody says, tenting isn’t the best part about festivals, and it isn’t fun. Ask yourself this: Since when the fuck is waking up in +98 heat hungover fun? So don’t be cheap. Get a hotel, or rent a holiday trailer. All I’m saying is tenting is shit.

5. Organize in advance.

I’m talking purchase your fucking tickets, go with a small good crowd that doesn’t suck, and really don’t wing it. Pack a bunch of shit, planning and organizing in advance will make your festival experience juicy.

6. Wear a fanny pack.

My first festival, I really wished I had a fanny pack. Second year, that was my first purchase. Didn’t lose a thing, could store everything in it (including hand sanitizer #blessup). They also work as chastity belts if you don’t want a sweaty molly-head trying to force his hands down your pants.

7. Don’t leave a fucking mess.

This ain’t no high school party, kicking holes in walls and trashing your enemies parent’s house before she could notice you were there. If this festival is outdoors CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF. Don’t leave solo cups everywhere and don’t abandon your tent in the morning coming off your molly and not wanting to pack shit up. Bring some god damn garbage bags. Clean the fuck up. You are a guest at this festival and it’s not your fucking land, so don’t be a disrespectful little cunt.

8. You won’t shower.

Have fun figuring out how to shower! Best advice is to throw some shampoo in a water bottle and scrub your head with that. At some festivals I’ve been to, there were bitches straightening their hair in the bathroom…. like, real cute, I’m taking a piss and it smells like burnt hair in the bathroom. Not to mention you’re wasting precious time doing a smokey eye Snooki bullshit make-over when you could be getting drunk and having fun.

PSA: You’ll sweat your curls flat so cut that shit out. TC mark

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