13 Things I Learned About Miami Heat Fans From Attending The NBA Finals

13 Things I Learned About Miami Heat Fans From Attending The NBA Finals
I was in attendance for the June 16th NBA Finals game to watch my beloved Spurs capture a Game 5 victory and I thought, why not do some important research while I’m here? Why not study these stimulating organisms known as “Heat fans,” and shed a little bit of light on their (unfortunate) presence in the sports world. Now, let me be clear, I don’t want to advocate the all-pit-bulls-are-awful mindset about Heat fans. There are plenty of legitimate, respectable Heat enthusiasts around – they’re just busy watching the actual games instead of staring into mirrors trying to angle their freshly purchased Miami Heat hat to the side, dousing themselves in Old Spice body spray, screaming about LeBron being better than Jordan and making the rest of the basketball world abhor them. So, here are some things that I witnessed, good and bad. But mostly bad.

1. Some of them wear a lot of accessories to overcompensate for their lack of actual basketball knowledge. It’s a lot like that guy at the bowling alley who has a wrist protector, a custom ball, a towel and his own shoes, then he steps up and chucks a barrage of gutter balls down the lane on his way to bowling a 78.

Example: A guy decked in Miami Heat wristbands, socks, face paint, shirt, etc. walks past me and says “We’re going to lock you guys down today!” to which I replied, “Not if you keep playing Mike Miller (a member of the Heat roster that every Heat fan should be familiar with) over Shane Battier (a member of the Heat roster that every Heat fan should be familiar with). His response? “Wait, play who over who? IT DON’T EVEN MATTER, LE-BRAWN, BABY!” True story.

2. Despite my donning of a San Antonio Spurs t-shirt and hat, a Heat fan overheard me enquiring about some noise clappers that I missed being handed out earlier and offered an extra one that he’d snatched up. That’s a kind thing to do considering we were moments away from a battle in which we were supporting opposite sides. Thanks, Heat fan!

3. Several of them used the men’s facilities then promptly exited without washing their hands. (There may or may not have been hometown fans doing the same, but my loyalty to San Antonio will not permit me to speak of them regarding the matter at unwashed hand.)

4. The white pant industry must be thriving due to seemingly every single Heat fan owning a pair. I’m considering buying all of the white thread and joining the booming business of white pants to cover the rear ends that Heat fans often talk out of.

5. The real Heat fans don’t even care for the new breed of Heat ‘fans.’ After two discussions with a couple of Heat supporters who really knew their stuff, I was told by both that they remember a happier time before the bandwagon reached capacity, and now they fear that this fresh wave might taint the reputation of the entire fan base. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that it’s already beyond blemished.

6. In their eyes, anyone with anything critical to say regarding LeBron James is a ‘hater’ and that’s final. LeBron is the greatest basketball player ever and any differing opinion is not so much an opinion as it is pure HATING. When a Heat fan feels intellectually threatened, often times it flaps its gums and screams “haters” as a defense mechanism.

7. For some, going to the game is just a three-hour social network session. They’re Facebooking, they’re Tweeting, they’re Vine-ing, they’re Instagram-ing. I took some pictures, as did most in attendance, but at some point you have to stop debating between Kelvin, Brennan & X-Pro II and enjoy the professional basketball game happening in front of you. I know what you’re thinking, and no, nobody should even consider using Kelvin. Oh, and you’re probably saying not every Spurs fan sanitized their hands but again, I’m not authorized to throw ‘em under the bus.

8. Miami Heat fans are the people who ruin YouTube. I witnessed at least four Heat fans recording VERTICAL videos. The one rule of taking videos with your cell phone? You never record vertically. NEVER!

9. We should never judge a book by its cover, but some Heat fans just bring out the worst in aesthetic based opinions. If it walks like it’s made by Summer’s Eve and talks like it it’s made by Summer’s Eve, well then it just might be a douchebag. My logic is undeniable.

10. I am inventing the theory of 8 which speculates that 88% of current Miami Heat “fans” are within 8 years of 8 years old or weren’t Heat fans 8 years ago, which was the season before their first NBA Championship. What they are is LeBron lovers masquerading as full-blown Heat fanatics. Nothing wrong with that but lets call a spade a spade.

11. Any fraudulent fan can be exposed by asking if they know who Alonzo Mourning (a former Heat superstar) is. I asked fifteen Heat fans and seven knew exactly who he was, two could tell that they should know by the way I was asking, so they uneasily nodded yes and the other five had absolutely no idea there was a person named Alonzo Mourning in existence. Shameful stuff.

12. Many Heat fans aren’t too fond of the Los Angeles Lakers, who historically they can’t even begin to compare with. Still, several Heat trolls seemed to have come from under their bridges screaming things about the Lakers’ franchise sucking at hall-of-fame, legend Magic Johnson who was doing a postgame show for ESPN. Then, when filming the show was over and he came down from set, I watched those same fans run up to him seeking autographs. Classy.

13. They love to count their ignorant, yolk filled eggs before they hatch, which often leads to embarrassment and regret. When anything favorable to Miami happened throughout the game, they would make an effort to harass a home crowd dominated by Spurs fans, then in the end they lost and had to eat their foolish words. That’s why I did incorrect math in point #11 – to see if any Heat fans would jump at an opportunity to correct me before the article was actually over. Oh, and it was six. SIX out of fifteen Miami Heat “fans” who didn’t know about one of the most important players in their franchise’s history. Still, they boast and brag arrogantly, ruining the credibility of their real fan base one preposterous, irrational statement at a time. TC Mark

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