1. Workout DVDs.
Look, if I’m putting down my laptop and chocolate to exercise, then chances are I’m not exactly thrilled about it, so irritability is unusually high. The frustration isn’t so much with the DVD as it is with the trainers who’ll cheer you on with cliché motivation, as they stand there NOT exercising.
Why are you telling me to do mountain climbers for five minutes while you look into the camera yelling sweet nothings at me? How about YOU do jumping jacks. YOU do lunges. YOU do crunches and – oh wait, you’re already in great physical condition, that’s why you don’t have to care. Still, I’m going to wave my fist and do ten sets of shouting vulgarities at a disc.
2. Slow working cell phone.
We are so spoiled that the instant a phone takes longer than .5 seconds to load up our Instagram, we’re ready to let that S-O-B know how we feel. If you’re really angry, activate Siri and swear at her, although she’s a witty one and you’ll likely get some sarcastic response that’ll make you feel worse.
3. A chair that you’ve just stubbed your toe on.
Nothing, not even a hearty “F—K YOU!” is going to ease the pain, but that doesn’t mean you wont instinctively yell some four letter word while squeezing your toe and staving off tears. It’s even okay for the next 12 hours or so to walk past, give it the stink eye and talk a little more trash to said chair.
4. A table when one of its corners connects with your side.
You put the table there. Chances are you’ve known it’s there for months or even years, but in this moment you forgot and walked directly into it. Keel over, grab your side as if you’ve just been shot and let that piece of furniture have it.
5. Clothes that aren’t fitting.
Whether you had a couple extra burritos or it’s a result of dryer shrinkage, there are those unfortunate moments in which our clothes decide that they don’t want to fit our body parts. I’ve cussed out a pair of Pumas for not allowing me to slide my foot in, even though I’m sure they’re just some soles whose intentions are good. There are even times where, after just getting home and trying to hastily switch into comfortable pajamas, my clothes refuse to come off as if my body transformed throughout the day. It kinda feels like Peter Parker trying to remove the Venom costume in Spider-Man 3 except the movie that is my life isn’t nearly as poorly cast and disappointing.
6. Any household appliance that makes noise when we’re trying to fall asleep.
You’re attempting to doze off and the refrigerator decides to jerk itself awake, humming, buzzing and whirring noisily. That or the floor and walls creak, ruining your ability to pass out and warranting a vocal scolding. I can’t tell you how many refrigerators I’ve told to “keep my ice cream cold and pipe down” in my lifetime. They never listen, but I always feel better.
7. ANY object that we drop, ever.
Because we didn’t just drop it, that “stupid idiot” jumped from our hands. When it comes to dropping things, we don’t even have to limit ourselves to swearwords. I once flipped off a piece of toast for falling facedown and I’ve never felt anyone/anything has been more deserving of my middle finger aimed directly at them/it. Never.
8. A ringing alarm clock.
If alarms had voice recognition and turned off when they identified words angrily being spoken at them, none of us would wake up on time. It’s human nature to groggily mutter, “shut up” to a ringing alarm before rolling over and switching that sucker off.
9. Lost keys/phone/wallet/purse.
Here’s the thing, when it’s lost keys it’s more like an angry parent whose kid is out two hours past curfew. It’s frustrated, it’s annoyed, it’s get-your-butt-over-here-right-now-y. That’s much different from a missing purse/wallet. We know keys will turn up, but the holder of our debit cards, identification, cash, etc. being gone is scary. This isn’t yelling, so much as anxiously calling out for our vanished belongings in the hopes that they’re okay. Think of a parent who can’t find their child in the mall. One of the few instances where we are speaking to non-living objects nicely.
10. Traffic lights.
Untimely red lights deserve every bad word that’s ever been said about ‘em.
11. Any object that’s falling continuously, even after you’ve picked it up a few times.
For example, have you ever tried balancing uncooperative boxes of cereal? I’ve nearly had a heart attack because my Fruit Loops and Honey Combs refused to sit atop the refrigerator together — one of them falling over every time I removed my stabilizing hand in defiance. “Seriously? No, you stay there. STAY. STAY. NO! UGH!” Perhaps the cereal was taught how to drive its owner crazy by the noisy appliance it stands upon.
12. Lids that refuse to fit.
You are a medium cup lid, therefor you should fit on a medium cup. Quit trying to defy the odds or revolt against humans. I will force you on top of this cup and stick a straw through you while you protect my precious fingers from the stickiness of fountain drink spillage, k? Thanks.