1. Be consistently inconsistent.
The Wi-Fi at Starbucks. TMZ. Will Smith’s dad on that one really sad episode of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. These are some of the world’s notoriously unreliable things, and if you do your best impression of ‘em, you’ll most certainly let down friends with your lack of dependability. Sure, there are times in which we feel the need to cancel or turn down invites, but if you continuously flake on people, it’s only a matter of time before the texts and calls don’t come in to begin with, and you’ve no longer got the opportunity to bail on plans.
2. Hate everything about everything.
Be unbearably negative. Don’t just hate stuff – vocalize your disdain for the restaurant, the food, the drinks, the prices, the temperature, the lighting, the other customers, the glasses, the plates, forks, knives, spoons and napkins. You hate all of it. Be sure that you’re thorough, providing any ear that’ll listen with lengthy descriptions of every last thing you hate about the venue. Enough pessimistic activity and you can ruin, or at least minimize everybody’s good time.
3. When a friend is having an issue, find a way to make them feel crappier.
A good friend just had a bad breakup and you predicted that it was going to happen months ago, so it’s time to rub it in their face by reminding them. There’s nothing like a good old fashioned “I told you so” to really kick a person while they’re down. Don’t let them vent to you, don’t sit there and empathize while they describe the painful emotions they’re feeling. Talk! Interrupt the middle of their sentences with the beginning of yours, speak condescendingly about how much better you would’ve handled things and how you saw this coming from a mile away. Yeah, that’ll really make an ailing friend feel like they can rely on you during a rough patch.
4. Feel the need to one up anyone’s stories, accomplishments, etc. and/or make everything about You.
And if you cant beat them, be sure to kill their buzz. You got a new Jeep? Congrats, but I heard you’re like, definitely going to die if you get in a rollover accident because those things aren’t very safe. You have to have funnier tales and more admirable success stories than friends, even if you’re making them up entirely. If a friend tries to shine, you must install a new bulb that makes you twinkle brighter, or throw a lampshade on them, dimming their starring moment.
5. Be rude to outsiders.
We all have our core group of friends, but occasionally there are part-timers who appear less frequently than the main cast members. If you find yourself hating all of those people, eventually it’ll grow obnoxious that you’re unwilling to be a part of any new conversations, much less friendships. If you want to be really bad, remain rude to EVERYONE who isn’t a part of your clique. The servers when you eat out get sass, the friendly, slightly intoxicated person making small talk at the bar gets shunned – basically anyone you deem an outsider is treated with zero friendliness.
6. Feel entitled to being crappy because these people will continue to put up with you anyway, right?
I mean after all, they’re your friends so they’ve got no choice but to put up with your unappealing ways. It doesn’t matter how many times you bail on ‘em, speak and act pessimistically or anything like that – you’ve already got the title of friend. This isn’t the first date; there’s nobody worth hiding your crappy ways from, or trying to impress. You’ve established that you’re friends, so now they’ll all accept your actions… Until they don’t and you’re eating pudding at a table — alone.
image – Superbad