1. Your first order of business in the morning isn’t checking your phone. Instead, you open your laptop; eyes squinted to stave off the excruciatingly bright light glimmering from the screen, and get into your routine web stops.
2. Even if you’re not looking at inappropriate content, when a nosey person comes up behind you and stares at your screen, you get defensive. It feels a lot like if someone walked in the bathroom and watched your boyfriend/girlfriend get dressed.
3. You take your laptop out in public and realize how filthy the screen is. You didn’t realize it was this bad in your dimly lit home, but suddenly it looks like your laptop went four wheeling. Now then feel ashamed, like a parent who knows people are staring at their kid because he’s covered in grass, dirt and other mysterious brown stains. (SIDENOTE: If Starbucks ever wants to make millions more, they should sell laptop screen friendly wipes since the lighting in their stores always seems to expose every last spot and piece of dust on my screen.)
4. You don’t even look at or consider other laptops because you’re happy with what you have. Going into Best Buy and not so much as glancing at the laptop section is basically like visiting a strip club and not caring to catch a glimpse of a single areola.
5. You know all of your laptop’s abilities and exactly what buttons to push. For example, if you can create this é without Google’ing the terms ‘Beyoncé’ or ‘Pokémon,’ and copy & pasting their special accent marked ‘e,’ you know your laptop like the back of your hand.
6. You know the back of your hand very well, because you constantly see it as you tap away at the keyboard.
7. There is a daily struggle to plug and unplug your laptop from charging. You don’t want a dead laptop, but too much charging is notorious for destroying the battery permanently.
8. You clear your nightstand off so it has space to sleep right next to you. I do this and I wonder if those books and novelty items I’ve just carelessly pushed to the floor are secretly alive Toy Story style, and crushed that they’ve been ruthlessly replaced.
9. Friends have called you out on your inability to hold a conversation with them, because you’re engaged in activities on your laptop. All you respond with is repeated “mmhmms” and “wait, whats?” until they eventually give up on you and your failure to lend them an ear.
10. You do all of the software updates and invest in heavy-duty virus protection long after being in the honeymoon stage with your laptop. See, for the first few weeks or months everyone wants to keep their device in tiptop condition, but eventually they become less enthusiastic about it. Not you though. You’re a dedicated lover who intends to make this
11. The only means of regular communication you have with friends is done via your computer. They can’t get to you without doing so via your beloved piece of technology.
12. You catch yourself condemning others for their choices, as if selecting your laptop makes you a life expert. Pssh! Seriously, a Dell? I mean, she’s good, but I prefer Mariah… Also, your laptop is a piece of shit. What are you rollin’ with, Windows XP on that fossil?
13. You’ve actually uttered the phrase, “I love you,” to your laptop. The context is irrelevant, it doesn’t matter if you were kind of kidding – if you directed those three words at your precious machine, you’re in deep.
14.You use your webcam as a mirror more than you use actual mirrors.
15. You have a phone, iPod, Kindle or other devices linked to your laptop and those are essentially your babies that the two of you carefully take care of.
16. When people ask to use your laptop you may let them, but inside you’re offended as hell. Again, that doesn’t mean there’s anything to hide, but you certainly don’t like seeing your laptop with another guy or gal.
17. You’ve had your laptop with you and actively used it in a room containing 10+ people socializing, with loud music and alcohol in the vicinity. If you were playing the role of DJ or Google’ing something specific to settle a bet, fine — anything else is a tale-tell sign that you’re in a relationship with that laptop.
18. You’ve invested in numerous bags for your laptop. You only want your baby nesting in the finest leather or trendiest products currently out.
19. Using your phone or another device to view desktop versions of websites makes you feel dirty. Almost like cheating because, why wouldn’t you just do it on your trusty, reliable computer?
20. You’ve fallen asleep with an open laptop on or next to you in bed. That means you couldn’t say goodbye, and it literally took your body succumbing to exhaustion to stop your usage This is the equivalent of two young lovers pulling the “you hang up,” “no, you hang up” bit until one passes out with a phone next to their ear.
21. There are still some of the plastic sheets from the original packaging that the laptop had when you first bought it. The day you realize that you’ve been treating your laptop the same way and old person cares for their couch’s upholstery, you can’t fight the feelings anymore.
22. At this point you can’t fathom the thought of something bad happening to your computer. You can only hope it’d be something easily repairable and not like, a complete malfunction that renders your sweetie useless. Also, referring to your laptop as your “sweetie” feels so right.