1. Hunched over the kitchen sink. Welcome to the untidy eater’s glorious utopia. Over the kitchen sink there are no floors to worry about covering in crumbs and chunks of food, because whatever mess you make can quickly be rinsed down the drain. You probably actually groan and/or mutter NOM NOM NOM as you eat — and if you don’t, you’re doing it wrong. If you’re enough of a savage, you use your hands so that you don’t even have to make dirty dishes for this grub session, which is always a plus. It’s likely that you eat quickly because nobody who consumes their meals over a kitchen sink is savoring the taste. Also, chances are your meal is unhealthy. Usually it’s things like a 3AM slice of cake or a burrito of some sort. (For anyone wondering, this is how at least 73% of the food I’ve ever eaten has gone down.)
2. At a table — like, an actual dinner table. WHAT? PEOPLE STILL EAT AT A DINNER TABLE? Whoa, trippy – you’re like a TV show or something… Well, first of all congratulations and it’s awesome that you have/make the time to sit and enjoy your meal, because many of us would embrace slow and methodical eating habits if we so had the energy or cooperative hours. You probably cherish every bite and are very particular about not wanting certain foods to touch each other, because fast paced individuals will throw their corn, gravy and meat into a pile and shove it down their throat, using a slice of bread as an edible napkin of sorts. Your life is probably quite organized and for that reason you experience meals at a dinner table – a lost craft in this day and age.
3. On the road as you drive. You find yourself in random fast food joints’ drive-throughs constantly, screaming requests for clogged arteries and high cholesterol into an intercom that functions as poorly as your heart will in a decade or two. If eating French fries while driving were an Olympic sport, you’d be a decorated athlete with several endorsers, one of which would include Subway, which is also the only semi-healthy food you ever have. You’re either very busy or very lazy, which is why you ain’t got time for the whole meal preparation nonsense.
4. In bed. You own a lot of soft pants and the words “DON’T JUDGE ME!” have been uttered out of your mouth so often that it’s basically become your catchphrase. This doesn’t mean that your life is crummy, but it’s certainly crumby since you feast in the same place you sleep. You probably have a not-so-clean bedroom, and it’s doubtful that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend who lives with you, because typically dry spaghetti sauce on the duvet is frowned upon.
5. When your parents call you to the kitchen for dinner. Just know that you’ve got it better than most of us. You don’t fully appreciate home cooked meals until your Mom and Dad become Stouffer’s and Marie Callender’s frozen dinners.
6. At restaurants. You’re probably doing pretty well for yourself, and if you’re ever looking for a friend to treat to lunch, brunch or dinner, holler at me. Eating out is a luxury that many of us don’t have too often, because it’s hard to pay 15 bucks for a meal when $15 worth of Ramen Noodles lasts so much longer. You’ve got to splurge on often overpriced food and tip your server – there are just so many financial requirements one must have to be seated, served and waited on habitually. Kudos to you for either having a good job, a large trust fund, or a complete lack of responsibility that results in you eating out so much that you can’t pay rent on time.
7. From your work desk. Your hard work will pay off very soon… At least that’s what the fortune cookie you got with the Chinese food you ordered in told you. Is it true? That remains to be seen, but you probably have an admirable work ethic, and it’s likely that your résumé looks better than, say, the people mentioned in #4. Friends and family have likely told you to take some time out of the office to enjoy yourself, but you couldn’t hear them over the clattering of your fingers hitting keys and filling out spreadsheets.
8. On the couch in front of a television. If there were a best way to have meals, this would obviously be it. The only thing better than catfish, beans and cornbread is catfish, beans, cornbread and Catfish.
9. Meals?… What are them??? You eat snacks all throughout the day, never actually having a full-blown meal. As a kid, when cereal commercials said “this is part of a complete breakfast” it baffled you because a bowl of cereal is not only a full, hearty breakfast, it’s capable of being consumed as any other meal through the day. You often find yourself eating things served in pouches, bar form or handfuls, and you’re completely okay with that. You are living proof that the suggested servings on the nutritional pyramid are asinine. Do you, satisfied snacker, do you.