1. You’re running out of stuff to watch on Netflix. Not the 2-star movies that look like they were filmed on someone’s Motorola Razr, or the TV series that ran for a single, miserable season — but the decent stuff that’s worth the $7.99 a month. Is it still $7.99 a month? Few of us know anymore because only 12 people pay for Netflix and the rest of us bum it off of one of them. Anyway, Netflix only updates its selection every so often, but if you find yourself on the verge of watching Thankskilling, you’ve probably been staying at home in hibernation, streaming movies more than the average bear.
2. You own more pajamas than normal clothes. Once the sweatpants to jeans ratio is 2:1, you’ve likely given up on social life outside of your home. Of course, it’s possible that you just enjoy being comfortable and have the confidence to rock those soft pants in public environments, but with that type of charisma you’re probably at a Playboy Mansion Pajama party, making your attire completely acceptable.
3. Your friends have stopped inviting you to certain places because they know in advance that you’ll decline. Then, when you finally do agree to go out it draws some wide-eyed gasps. Your attendance is now a big thing and, because it’s so rare your friends feel a sense of responsibility to make certain that it’s a good time. These occasions are few and far between, so a night on the town is essentially a sales pitch to try and draw you out more often in the future.
4. You’ve learned do-it-yourself methods for food-related things just to avoid going out to get them. Ah, the art of mastering specific recipes. For example, if you know how to recreate Hooters’ chicken wings or In-N-Out’s animal-style burger, why bother leaving the house and facing society? Your stash of secret recipes are essentially ‘Get Out Of Going In Public’ passes that, at worst, require a quick trip to the grocery store for ingredients.
5. You’ve actually gone days at a time without setting foot outdoors. You may not realize it until you step outside and get a whiff of fresh air or the sunlight fills your eyes, but once you do, it can be slightly alarming. To be cooped up for long stretches might seem unhealthy, but is it that bad to play I Am Legend and have 24-72 hours all to yourself? It can be therapeutic to get away from the hustle and bustle of the daily grind, and dedicated homebodies are very familiar with the stress relief benefits of some occasional, liberating isolation.
6. Every so often you get sick of being home and decide to give going out a try again. And when you do, you’re reminded exactly why you stopped going out to begin with. A bottle of beer costs the price of a 6-pack, there are cover fees, it’s hot, people are sweating, there are sexually frustrated, angry, testosterone-driven dudes waiting to pick fights, the music is bad, Pitbull is playing, you’re visibly sweating through your clothes, and suddenly you miss Pandora, YouTube, 70 degree rooms and your couch/bed.