1. Suburb Gangsters. If their biggest concern is hitting up Eddie Bauer to search for a very particular shade of cerulean cardigans, that perfectly fit their gang’s colors, there’s no reason to be concerned most of the time. (I say most of the time because any idiot with a gun is dangerous.)
2. Taco Bell’s Gourmet Menu. Do they really think that getting a chef with a heavy accent to sign off on their grub makes us believe it’s high quality or authentic? It’s okay Taco Bell, we know who you are and we accept you. You don’t have to pretend around us – we probably still won’t eat you unless we’re drunk.
3. People who follow And retweet parody Twitter accounts. Let it be known that celebrities are verified and can be confirmed via a checkmark on their Twitter profile. Also, it’s safe to assume that Will Smith isn’t recycling basic, overused quotes for cheap Retweets.
4. People who run parody Twitter accounts. Do these make money? If not, what do you do for like, food and shelter? Stop stealing jokes, quotes and memes – if you’re actually funny, create a successful Twitter account of your own for goodness’ sake.
5. Donald Trump. The orange, spray on complexion, the ridiculous hair that almost looks as ridiculous as he sounds. His financial success is undeniable, but he ranks high amongst the world’s smartest, dumb people.
6. Miami Heat fans. If the names Alonzo Mourning and Tim Hardaway don’t ring a bell, you probably hopped aboard the Heat “fan” bandwagon within the last 24 months or so. That’s fine though – enjoy rocking your freshly purchased LeBron jersey, just keep in mind that real basketball fans have well developed, fair-weather sensors and fraud “fan” detectors.
7. Anything written in Comic Sans. Seriously, look below — even if I’m writing a threat, any type of intimidation factor is negated by the playfulness of Comic Sans.
8. People with ringback tones. People still have these and it’s annoying because 1) Nobody wants to hear loud music blaring every time they call you, and 2) Anyone old enough to own a phone should be too mature for this type of madness.
9. Anyone who takes pictures with an iPad. Would a golfer try to take a swing with a street light post? That’s what you iPad photographers look like — just use a camera that isn’t the size of a cabinet door.
10. Minivan driving police officers. It’s tough to respect the authority of a popo trying to enforce the law from Mom & Dad’s old van. The only people capable of being intimidated by a minivan cop are those adorable, suburb hoodlums.
11. People with ridiculous Facebook names. James StackinDatPaper Smith – stop it. Jenny Cutthroat Johnson – no. Just no.
12. Hateful Internet commenters. Anyone who spends their day seeking opportunities to be a troll, point out typos and disagree with things so that they can get a rise out of others, deserves no attention. Trolls live off of attention, by getting angry and responding, you’re providing them a feeding frenzy so they can live a healthy, successful life (by their standards).
13. Written statements followed by multiple exclamation points!!!! See #7. Even without the Comic Sans, exclamation points are like the punctuational version of LOL or J/K.
14. Drake – if you watched Degrassi. C’mon, he’ll always be Jimmy Brooks, wheeling around in the back of your mind, and the bottom of your heart.
15. Anyone who has a signature on text messages. ~*C’mon, you’re better than that*~
16. Illuminati stuff. Everything comes with a conspiracy theory nowadays. Triangle/Pyramid shaped things and eyeballs are automatically associated with a secret society. A new world order that is full of our favorite actors, musicians, politicians and whatnot. I’m guilty of binge watching the what-if videos on YouTube from time to time, but we probably shouldn’t over evaluate insignificances, calling them illuminati trickery.
17. if u rite lyke dis den not 0n1y cant u b takin srsly, but ur not wrth inractng w/ cuz ur riting is 2 hrd 2 decode. Nah mean?
18. Velcro wallet owners over age 13. In a perfect world, a debit card would never see the inside of a Velcro wallet because again, nobody old enough to possess a bank account, would lack the sense to buy a wallet that doesn’t make a SCHREEEEET noise when you open it.
19. Colleges that have commercials. If you heard about the school’s credentials during a Family Guy rerun on Adult Swim, it might not be the most legit option out there. That’s not to say that some of them don’t have a solid education to offer, but I know firsthand that they tend to, for lack of a better word because their English classes are terrible, suck. Also, they’re either done online or on dull campuses that aren’t anything like Greendale is on Community, which is makes every single day unbearably disappointing.
20. People who wear casual clothing to the gym. How serious can one be about their workout if they’re doing it in khakis and a polo?
21. Yourself and your everyday life. Otherwise it becomes unpleasant. There’s always going to be a reason to be upset or annoyed and frown instead of laugh – try to have a sense of humor, and save being offended or angry for the rare scenarios that warrant it.