1. The One Who We Would Hate Being Connected With Via Social Networks If We Weren’t Already Friends.
They do many irritating things — some of which make you feel embarrassed on their behalf, since they seem to have been born without a sense of when to feel shame. Anything from #over #hashtagging #on #Instagram, to following and retweeting parody accounts (IT’S SO OBVIOUSLY NOT THE REAL FRANK OCEAN OR WILL FERRELL), to taking and posting a picture of Nana on her deathbed, as she’s unknowingly exploited for sympathy likes, along with a spiel about how sad her impending passing is. Whether it’s over-the-top annoying habits or really personal information that has no business being shared on the web, over-socially networkers just need a hand… And some fingers that won’t snap, click and type obnoxious stuff.
2. The One Who Still Wears Jorts.
Help them, by any means necessary… Buy any jeans necessary.
3. Pathological Pat… Pat Sajack that is, he’s a good friend of mine. We flew to France and hung out on a boat, drinking mimosas and discussing how Gossip Girl is really firing on all cylinders as of late.
^ See that unnecessary farfetched story I threw together? That’s a prime example of the typical work Pathological Pat puts out there. We all have that friend who refuses to be honest at times when lies aren’t even necessary. Instead of saying “I’m late because I got stuck in traffic” which happens and is beyond our control, they’d rather say “There was a HUGE apartment fire, so I ran inside and started helping people out. Well it turns out one of the guys was Turtle from Entourage, so after I saved his life we shot the shit, exchanged numbers and we’re supposed to do lunch sometime next week.” Like, what? You didn’t have to take that verbal poop in the toilet of our trust — getting delayed by red lights and rush hour is completely reasonable, friend. After so long, you’ll treat everything that comes out of their mouth like a counterfeit Gucci bag, occasionally rolling your eyes at their unauthentic shenanigans. Then when they’re honest, we still ain’t buyin’ it based on their wolf-crying history.
4. The Detrimental Dater.
This one’s tricky because you don’t want to offend anyone in a relationship, even a dysfunctional one, and sometimes they have that you-can’t-talk-badly-about-my-boyfriend/girlfriend-only-I-can-do-that mindset. Really it’s not your obligation to intervene most of the time, but there are occasions in which the amount of complaints you can take listening to rupture their threshold, and you’ve got to make a carefully worded suggestion. Also if they’re dating an abusive or disloyal scumbag, that’s not a bad time to chime in with some tough love.
5. The Hotmail or Yahoo! User.
If you use anything other than Gmail, it’s safe to assume three things. One, you still login to check your MySpace daily through Internet Explorer. Two, you’ve got a drawer full of AOL free trial discs that you fully intend on using, and three, you aren’t applying for jobs anywhere too professional, because you’re likely using an email address that was created circa 2004 or earlier, when you were young and free with selecting email address names. Let’s be real, a law firm can’t entirely overlook seeing email@example.com on a résumé. Eventually we all have to act as mature, less creative adults, and use a combination of our initials and first or last name, like most other grown-ups… And we have to do so through Gmail because it’s not the early 2000s anymore.
6. The Lingo Try Hard.
Their vernacular resembles that of an out-of-touch stepdad trying really hard to win over his newfound teenager via relatable, hip lingo. It’s your duty as a friend to put an end to this. Aight, Holmes slice? YOLO homie.
7. English ‘N Complete Sentences Be Hard.
the friend whos ovrly casual w/ txt msgs n emails 2 the point whr abbrvs & misspelt wrds makes them hrd 2 undrstnd and theyre like scared of punctuation n need 2 knw tht this isn’t the way 2 go thru life.
8. The Emoji Addict.
Nowadays emoticon enthusiasts can hold entire conversations out of various expressions and symbols, almost letting them serve as this epic, visual language. The thing is, if people don’t have an iPhone or view all of your Tweets & Facebook statuses from a computer that can’t recognize the abundance of emojis used, do you know what they see instead?! These — THESE ARE WHAT THEY SEE: 🎁🚀🚁🚂. Boxes. Empty ones at that. So now, that person has no idea what you’re feeling or the point you were trying to make, and as someone who used a Blackberry as recently as 2012, that’s a lonely feeling. On second thought, maybe people still using Blackberries are the ones who need interventions? I don’t know, somebody in this predicament needs a sit-down and some gentle guidance though.
9. The One With A Drinking Problem.
No, seriously, help them. Anybody habitually doing Tequila shots in an empty bar at 1:30AM on school nights qualifies.
10. The Dubstep Junkie.
Dubstep is a lot like alcohol. It’s an acquired taste and some folks have a high tolerance for the electric dance music, while others want to puke after that first big drop. You know, the one with all the WOMP! WOMP! WOMPs. Here’s the thing; when your music genre is capable of making people physically ill, like, giving them headaches, nausea, upset stomach, diarrhea and other symptoms that ingesting month-old milk would cause, you should consider listening through headphones or in soundproof, isolated rooms. Or just reconsider having dubstep as your favorite type of music. I mean, at the end of life when you’re lying on your deathbed, you’ll cringe regretfully, thinking about ALL that time wasted waiting 30-90 seconds for the “sick drop” that sounds like dialup internet on medication. And that wincing face won’t look good when your future granddaughter/son is snapping shots of your 99% dead self for their status update.