1. Bottomless Bank Account
The debit card that has access to all $53 dollars in my bank account will be swiped with reckless abandon as if it’s (P?) Diddy’s black card. It’s nice to be as giving as possible in your everyday life, but when blood alcohol levels rise, funds drop because generosity overtakes us. All we wanted to do was fund other people’s drinking habits and put smiles on their faces. Now it’s Ramen Noodles and cautious use of that final quarter tank of gas until the next payday.
2. Fighting Abilities Exaggerated
Amazing how five Bud Light Limes can provide the confidence of 15+ years of mixed martial arts training. Some people feel an unwarranted sureness of themselves when they’ve got the power of booze compelling them, challenging people to physical combat over stepped on toes or spilled drinks. It’s never good to be this way because you’re not the current UFC Light Heavyweight Champion and there’s nothing fun about being knocked out for like, eight dreams long.
3. Shakespearian Drunk Essay Texts
It’ll feel like you’ve been possessed by the soul of Shakespeare and your text message is the equivalent of Romeo’s spiel outside of Juliet’s window, with a brilliant musical score playing in the background. In actuality it’s a spelling error riddled, acronym and emoticon filled ramble that will come in the form of 7 text messages to a person who’s surely going to show other people this embarrassing blabber. Also, that music you’re hearing in the distance is no amazing jingle; it’s just some Pitbull song. And it’s really bad.
4. Sober People Are Therapists
Any pair of ears willing to listen will hear of your stories, trials and tribulations spoken in a volume higher than whatever music is playing in the place. Matter of fact, they don’t necessarily have to be willing to listen. As long as they’re in the general vicinity of your drunkenness, they’re liable to hear whatever it is you’d like to get out of your system. When they acknowledge you it’s even more inviting Giving a head nod or a smile makes a drunk person feel as if you’ve just said, “How is your entire life going? Tell me the good and the bad in the loudest voice possible. K, ready?… Go!”
5. Allowing Enemies To Become Friends
Sworn enemies who you hate — albeit some of the time for silly reasons — suddenly become bearable when spotted in the conditions of a social, alcohol-heavy environment. In fact they aren’t just tolerable, suddenly they’re worthy of penetrating your super-exclusive, tight knit circle of friends — at least for that night they are. Beefs are squashed under the influence of liquor, then beef is often eaten at some unhealthy spot afterward. Which leads to the next point…
6. Diets Are A Distant Memory
Whether you’re on a diet or simply eat decently to avoid cardiac arrest by your early thirties, that all goes out the window when you reach a certain level of intoxication. It’s almost as if alcohol enhances the taste of any food capable of making a drenched brown bag drip grease. Eat at your own risk, as it’s guaranteed to do some damage to your physical health.
7. Being A Dirty Artist Who Uses A Passed Out Individual As A Blank Canvases For Explicit Artwork
That drunk, knocked out person is going to be the canvas. Any spare Sharpie or pen is a paintbrush, and you are Bob Ross. You know, the dude with the fro who used to come on PBS? Yeah, that guy is you because you’re going to town, drawing flaccid penises and writing absurd messages on that poor person who’s stuck in deep, alcohol induced sleep. The worst part is that you’ll proudly call others over to show of your finished work as if it’s being displayed in an art gallery.
8. Bad Dances
Do you really want 720p footage of your attempt at crump dancing roaming around on Youtube?
9. Making The Worst Decisions Online
A friend request to your secret crush whom you have zero mutual friends with, a Facebook chat conversation that you should not be initiating, liking an entire album at 3 in the morning, a humiliating rant e-mail that is going to be shared and laughed at amongst that person and their friends. These are the types of things that happen when you drink and social network.
For those who smoke sparingly, drunkenness is the primary opportunity to light ‘em up like you’re filming an episode of Mad Men. Ironically Marlboro works as the slurred pronunciation of “May I borrow one?” which is exactly what drunken smokers who never actually buy cigarettes will request from all of the regulars. It’s not clear what about alcohol makes a cig seem so enticing, but at least lungs can join livers in absolutely hating you the following morning.
11. Consider Everything A Toilet
Bushes, walls, pavement, the area being a dumpster in a dark alley – all of these places become toilets when you’ve got to pee. If you’ve broken the seal after drinking alcohol, the ability to hold it in disappears. When nature calls, you must answer quickly and any object outdoors is a viable candidate to receive a golden shower.