1. The damage and destruction leftover from the election’s result last night. Immediately after Obama was declared the winner, vicious battles erupted on Facebook. Heated debates saw friends turned into foes, dummies turned into top-notch copy and paste-ers, acquaintances say, “You don’t even know me, b-tch!” and all hell broke loose. For the most entertaining massacres, visit the Facebook pages of any outspoken or passionate political friends. That’s where you’ll find the remains of some epic spats and quarrels.
2. Food photo-shoots. We stopped seeing pictures of sandwiches and layered cakes because people were busy sharing their political propaganda. Anticipate tons of food porn making a comeback immediately. The good stuff too. Large pieces of meat with 1-2 side dishes smothered right next to it. That juicy steak, chicken breast or fish fillet will look so cod-damn sexy, it’s NSFW unless your lunch break is coming up soon.
3. The “un-liking” of those informative political pages that were only subscribed to out of hype in the heat of the moment.
4. Live updates from some people describing how their move is going. You know – all of those dissatisfied citizens who boldly vowed to flee the country if Obama won? Surely they’ll have some type of update on their progress leaving the US.
5. The deletion of any statuses containing evidence of predictions that were way off or smug, overly confident statements.
6. The open displaying of any statuses containing evidence of predictions that were way off or smug because a person firmly stands by and takes pride in their overly confident, incorrect forecasts and arrogant guesses.
7. That guy/girl who fails to accept the election results and posts bitter, lengthy rants questioning Obama’s policies, capabilities, qualifications, birth certificate and 58,000,000+ voters. Nobody will care and the lack of likes or comments will indicate that, but persistence pays off so they’ll continue to try to spark a debate.
8. Energy spent on the promotion of presidential candidates will turn into shameless self-promotion of people’s personal Tumblrs.
9. Binge photo uploading to make up for a recent lack of it. 87 photos from his/her niece’s trip to the zoo. Yes, even the random, crooked shot of a lion, the blurry shot of some stranger’s back, and the 12-15 shots of you assuming the same exact pose with the little rascal.
10. The giving of a proper celebration for the wrongfully overshadowed, potential Boy Meets World spinoff that’s currently in the works. Now that there’s nothing distracting us, can someone write up lucrative contracts for Ben Savage (Cory) and Danielle Fishel (Topanga).
11. Requesting and/or accepting the friend and acquaintance casualties lost during heated political disagreements over the past month or so.
12. The American people needs happy thoughts after all that election stress, and what better than jingle bells? Look out for more acknowledgement of Christmas. It’s coming — like it or not. They’ve even begun spewing out the Target holiday commercials so I know it’s real.
13. Multiple cases of post-traumatic-election-syndrome that makes folks paranoid of every vague status. Is that directed at me? Are you trying to stay something? You aren’t subtle. If you have a problem speak it directly to me! I’m pretty sure that you might, probably are definitely 90% talking about me for sure.
14. Complaining. It’s too hot out. It’s too cold out. I’m tired. I don’t want to work today. Whatever. After weeks of negativity some will have grown accustomed to venting online. Those Facebook status bars make great listeners.
15. A day full of little, red notifications. You commented on various Facebook posts and now you’ll suffer from hoping to escape what I like to call “zombie statuses.” Basically that means that you commented on several posts previously, and despite the election being decided — they refuse to die. Someone keeps chiming in with comments that are too late and irrelevant. Nobody knows just how long they’re going to haunt you, but it’ll probably be more disappointing than anything. Every notification is exciting until we see the meh-whatever reason for it.
16. People going back to their area of expertise. No more political advising. It’s all about quoting Mean Girls, sharing jokes from an iPhone app and pictures of Condescending Wonka’s best memes.
17. Conspiracy theorists who will say things like, “THIS IS THE WORK OF ILLUMINATI!!!” And yes, they’ll really use all caps because it’s so much more intense than “this is the work of illuminati.”
18. People with status updates intended to draw shamelessly cheap “likes.” Anticipate basic quotes or widely shared opinions jam-packed into a few sentences – nothing the least bit controversial, which is the polar opposite of recent election related statuses.
19. Some variation of: “Woke up happy to live in a country led by President Obama. Four more years!”
20. Some variation of: “Woke up very disappointed that our country decided to give Obama four more years.”