1. You want to make out with anybody. Literally anyone. It’s that point where you’re just like, “You know what? A mouth’s a mouth, let’s do this.”
2. You have to begin work in fewer hours than your shift is. e.g. I have to start working an 8 hour shift three hours from now, so I probably shouldn’t be here.
3. Your target that you’ve been flirting and planning on hooking up with has disappeared. Oh wait, there they are. Annnd it looks like they’re making out with someone else. Shit.
4. Nothing matters anymore but Taco Bell. Your mind is consumed with visions of a warm tortilla filled with crisp strands of lettuce, delectable globs of sour cream, miniature mountains of beans and heaps of mystery meat (Is it dog? Is it unicorn?) swimming in a sea of nacho cheese sauce.
5. You’re smoking. You don’t ever smoke.
6. All your friends have left and you’re scrolling through old texts, Facebooking and watching sports highlights on the bar’s TVs in an attempt to smokescreen your Steven Glansberg-esque loneliness.
7. You can’t locate the knob that turns your outdoor voice off. Yes, the party or bar is probably noisy but if you can only speak in one volume and it SOUNDS LIKE THIS, you’re nearing/have arrived at a point of obnoxious drunkenness. Have you ever seen a hammered person whisper? Nope. They shout secrets and yell conversations.
8. You drink Fireball Cinnamon Whisky. Seriously, that stuff changes people. Taking a shot resembles the effect of getting bit by a zombie. It hurts when it first happens but you still feel all right. People look at you funny and you say things like, “Guys, I’m okay. Seriously, I feel fine.” Then ten minutes later you’re a destructive monster. It’s tricky because this stuff tastes great but it burns like hell going down. You know how sometimes your food is delicious but piping hot. And since you don’t have the patience to let it cool off, you endure the painful burn of each forkful? That’s what Fireball is like. It hurts so good.
9. You’re trying to hold deep, philosophical conversations with complete strangers. Many of us think we’re Aristotle when we get a gallon of booze in our system.
10. You scan the room for the drunken, babbling, clumsy jackass and can’t seem to find him/her. That means it’s you.
11. You can’t order a drink because you’ve attempted to hit on and crashed and burned with every single bartender.
12. Your ex is there and you’re actually considering talking to them.
13. You haven’t paid rent yet but you’re playing barroom Santa and generously offering drinks to folks for preposterous reasons. If you’re a Chicago Bears fan, that doesn’t mean the dude wearing the Bears shirt is deserving of a $13.00 Long Island Iced Tea. (Also, you should make better decisions when selecting your favorite sports team. Sincerely, a passionate Green Bay Packers fan.)
14. You’re sleeping comfortably on the couch while a party is going on around you. Would it make sense for someone to go in a room full of sleeping people and dance/be loud? Well the reverse is just as ridiculous if you think about it.
15. You’re raiding a stranger’s refrigerator. Not only that, you’re eating random shit. Shredded cheese, slices of turkey, some leftover homemade dish that’s in a Spaghetti-O, orange stained Tupperware.
16. You’re not normally a good dancer but the flailing you’re currently doing feels like you’re filming an Usher music video. That table isn’t a set. Those aren’t spotlights. They’re actually the flash light of cell phone cameras and I assure you that you wont look like Usher when you’re sober and tagged in pics and clips on Facebook.
17. The cops arrive. ‘Nuff said.
18. The party is out of alcohol and it’s too late to buy more. I went to Dunkin’ Donuts one time and they were literally all out of donuts. So, I left. That’s what you should do when the alcohol infused festivities run out of product because what’s the point?
19. You sense tense, irritated vibes at the bar and it’s after 1:45 A.M. That’s a deadly combination that shouldn’t be ignored. There are angry, horny, violent people. They’re upset for several possible reasons.
- They’re generally angry drunks.
- Someone stepped on their sneakers.
- Someone looked at their boyfriend/girlfriend.
- They’ve gotten rejected multiple times tonight.
- It’s looking like getting laid isn’t going to happen tonight.
- They really thought getting laid was going to happen tonight.
- I mean they even bought this shirt specifically for tonight. It’s really nice too, checkered print and it cost $50! That’s like, 25 cents per checker box. (7 ½. Nobody even complimented it.)
Regardless of the cause of pent up frustration, sometimes these people are looking for the slightest thing to irk them so that they can have a conniption and start a fight. You being in the bar automatically nominates you as a possible candidate to be involuntary placed in their drunken brawl. Unless you have a skilled fighting friend who will volunteer as tribute on your behalf, don’t risk your moneymaker. Trust your Spidey-sense and bounce.
20. Closing Time by Semisonic is playing in the bar.
21. Closing Time by Semisonic is ending and you’re still in the bar, despite the bouncers’ growing frustration and raised voices requesting that you go outside. Don’t give ‘em flak because it’s only 1:57. Many (not all, but many) bouncers feel like they have commander-in-chief type power, so you may not want to press their secretly-insecure-so-they-overcompensate-with-douchey-attitude-buttons.