The following is based loosely off of my terrifying experiences living with roommates, and tales I’ve heard from others. While it could be worse, these are some of the common ways to aggravate your housemates. If for some reason you’d like to be a pain in the rear and strongly disliked, perform these actions habitually.
1. Anytime someone is watching television enter the room and speak with your outdoor voice so that the TV is no longer audible. Make certain to talk directly to your living companion, so they can’t focus on the show or movie they’re trying to watch.
2. If you’d like to go the extra mile with your obnoxiousness, I’d recommend vocalizing your thoughts and opinions on the specific program that they’re watching. Talk about how much it sucks and make certain to ramble negative sentiments every new scene. If it’s something you actually like, then babble about unwanted facts, like how much it made at the box office or how high the ratings scored in the 18-35 range last week. Make sure not to go away and let him/her watch in peace.
3. Look in the refrigerator and pantry, find any food that looks appetizing, and have at it – regardless of who paid for it. Don’t ask. Possession is nine tenths of the law, so once it’s in your belly you’re basically all good. If your roommate confronts you about eating their stuff, admit to your actions, but act as if consuming somebody else’s belongings is absolutely normal.
4. Have sex on the furniture that everyone uses. Don’t go to your bed in your room, or anything considerate like that. The concept of bodily fluids staining the couch where everyone likes to relax is a great one. If possible, make certain that the sex is late and night and noisy so that everyone wakes to the grunts and moans of your intercourse.
5. Use dishes, but don’t wash them. Sure it was you who made them dirty, and by leaving them in the sink overnight you’ll make ‘em crusty and harder to clean — but that’s your other roommates’ problem. If they don’t wash your three-day-old dishes, don’t fret. Eventually the stench will seep through the entire place and someone will cave. Follow these methods with other cleaning situations as well. Leave your filthiness in the bathroom and living room on a regular basis, that way it’ll become custom protocol for others to cleanup after you.
6. Don’t have your bills or rent on time. Never be responsible enough with money to pay what’s due in a punctual manner. If you’re actually the one in charge of collecting payments, make certain to follow your roommates around and badger them with reminders of the looming bills – even if they’re regularly prompt.
7. Know everything about everything. Give lectures on the massive volumes of knowledge that you possess. If someone tries to describe something that they saw on the news, cut them off because you already knew that. Then go on a tangent about whatever other information you’ve got bouncing around that noggin.
8. Have the nerve to complain about things such as household cleanliness or equal contribution. Point out messes as if you’ve actually vacuumed, swept or washed dishes before.
9. Stand directly behind people when they’re seated using a computer, reading from over their shoulder. Make certain to violate their personal space, even if that means breathing heavily and pointing at or touching the computer screen.
10. Sit next to a roommate when they’re playing video games and give them unwanted instructions. Tell them exactly what to do and what buttons to press. If they don’t perform up to your satisfaction, grow frustrated and describe how you would do it.
11. Once you’ve established that your roommate(s) can’t stand you because you’re obnoxious, attempt to hang out with them. Be clingy and get angry if they don’t invite you somewhere. Be confused as to why someone wouldn’t want you around. With your wealth of knowledge, and your opinions that you mistake for facts — who wouldn’t desire your presence?
12. Loudly smack when you eat.
13. Loudly slurp when you drink.
14. Complain that there are never folks of the opposite sex over. Do so until your roommates throw a party in which attractive members of your desired gender are present. Then complain that it’s messy, noisy and no fun because for some odd reason, the people you approach aren’t interested.
15. Make mildly offensive and subtly racist comments on a regular basis. Then wear a smirk after and be smug. Know that what you said was rude and unfunny, but pretend like it’s socially acceptable. Be confused when your roommate(s) seem annoyed by your presence. Revert back to Step 1 and repeat the entire process.