A Conversation With My Mind Every Night At Bedtime

It’s been a long day. I doze off in the living room after my heavy eyelids and fatigued body succumb to exhaustion. When I wake briefly, I have the self-awareness to slump myself to more comfortable grounds. Half asleep, I’ve arrived at my bed. This is quite possibly the most tired I’ve ever felt. I plop down. Breathing calmly… easing off into dreamland… Almost out, and then…

Mind: Hey!

Me: You do realize that it’s 2:30 in the morning, right?

Mind: I know, so what’s up?!

Me: Nothing is up, just please be quiet so we can get some rest.

Mind: Oh yeah, sure, that’s cool…

A brief silence, maybe 15-20 seconds pass.

Mind: Quick question.

Me: No.

Mind: But it’s important.

Me: Don’t even ask. Then it’ll lead to other questions and open a whole can of worms. Silence – not another word.

Mind: Fine… But I was just wondering if you’ll be able to pay all of the bills this month?

Me: Seriously? That doesn’t even matter right now, let’s pretend you didn’t just ask that question and go back to sleep.

Mind: All right, fine.

Ten seconds go by, tops.

Me: But what made you even ask that? Like, why wouldn’t we be able to pay?

Mind: Do the math.

Me: You do the math, that’s what you’re there for — to crunch numbers and call Conscience over when I need to feel guilty.

Mind: Well you didn’t pay attention in school, so you can’t expect me to be good at it. But if I had to guesstimate, I’d say we’re cutting it pretty close.

Me: How?! We make a sufficient amount, how is it so close?

Mind: You make unnecessary purchases.

Me: Like what?

Mind: That espresso maker, those new shoes – Cookie Crisp instead of the off-brand in the bag. Silly stuff like that.

Me: That’s not going to break the entire budget, it’ll be fine.

Mind: Let’s see: We’ve got rent, insurance, phone, utilities, gas, groceries – Netflix. You’re screwed pal.

Me: Will you shut up? Even if we can’t afford this month, I have to be up early. Can you please be quiet so we can get some sleep?

Mind: Fine. That’s fine, but don’t expect me to work under heavy stress later, because you keep putting this off.           

Me: Would you rather try to function on no sleep?

Mind: Good point.

Me: Exactly, now just calm down and get relaxed so we can doze off.

Mind: I’ll try.

A minute goes by. Two minutes go by. My Mind is quiet as I try to sleep, but I know he’s still wide-awake, thinking. We remain in silence for a bit, then there’s a little noise in the distance. It’s probably just the refrigerator, or house creaking. Anyway, I’ll try to lay here and peacefully doze off. 

Mind: What if that was some type of ghost or evil spirit?

Me: We’re twenty-three years old, aren’t we past this phase?

Mind: Absolutely not, and we’re not ever going to be! Ghosts are real man, that sound out there was definitely the spirits.

Me: God, you’re stupid.

Mind: That means you’re stupid. And you’re in denial about the devil spirits out there.

Me: Oh, now they’re devil spirits? You’re so ridiculous; this is why we don’t watch horror movies.

Mind: Quit pretending like you’re not a little terrified right now. Turn on the TV or a nightlight.

Me: Absolutely not scared. I’m a grown person and ghosts are preposterous.

Mind: Are they? Then how do you explain what happened that one night when we were home alone a long time ago?

Me: You’re such a jackass – don’t bring that up.

Mind: We know what we saw! That silhouette of a man standing over you when you woke up is embedded in your brain.

Me: It was probably a combination of sleepiness and dreaming.

Mind: You don’t believe that. Turn the light on, coward.

Me: Nope.

Mind: Do it, you’re scared.

Me: I won’t and I’m not. Be quiet now.

There’s a brief silence. Another bump is followed by another creak. 

I turn the lamp on.

Mind: Wuss.

Me: That’s your damn fault.

Mind: Maybe so. This is silly, what are we doing here? Fully grown and concerned about some type of ghost, let’s turn off the light and get some rest.

Me: That sounds like a great idea.

A minute passes. Two minutes pass. Eventually we’re headed steadily toward that beautiful sleep world. That beautiful space right on the brink of being completely out. I fade. The peacefulness is perfect. We continue to fade, until… we’re… finally…. Aslee–

Mind: Seriously though, we can’t risk losing Netflix.

Me: F-ck. TC Mark

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