It’s as if every new year of life means a decrease in the amount of naps taken. Hopefully that’ll jolt back up when retirement and old age set in, but why does brief daytime sleep have to be so rare? Spare time in general is a hot commodity these days – we often have to use it on our relationships, social gatherings, or brainstorming witty Facebook statuses. Out of all past regrets, there’s nothing I’m more remorseful for than my resistance of and refusal to take naps. Whenever directed to lie down for a nap, I’d do anything to weasel my way out of it. Stupid kid, I’d probably be a lot less lackadaisical and fatigued every day if you had simply complied with instruction.
2. School shopping.
We weren’t eagerly anticipating the first day of school just because we wanted to do color by numbers and play Heads Up, Seven Up. It had a lot to do with our summer shopping and the opportunity to display all of our new purchases. From the clothes aspect of things, this was the chance to show off your Velcro Spider-Man kicks, light up sneakers, new shirts, Lisa Frank accessories, and all of the stylish gear we’d been bought.
It was like the season premiere of a TV series — a chance to come back to new storylines with a changed character. Not to mention the supplies we got that softened the blow of doing work. Writing reports? Boring. Writing reports with gel pens and extravagant new led pencils? Meh — not too shabby. It’s strange how much more enjoyable tasks were when a festive writing utensil was being used. Trapper Keepers, Mr. Sketch scented markers – anything to distract us from the big picture — that we were actually doing schoolwork. Even if we’re done with school, let’s just go shopping for new clothes and work supplies every year in late-August.
3. Non-explicit insults.
Some kids actually knew and used cuss words in their early years – but for those of us who didn’t possess potty mouths and listened to Will Smith’s music, we kept it clean when trading blows. Nowadays, as adults it’s common to use bad words to get our point across or win a verbal spat. Back in the day terms like stupid, idiot, stupid idiot, crybaby, doofus, etc. – were go-to insults when we were
pissed ticked off. If it was time to use the heavy artillery, there were the hardcore phrases like dingleberry, butt-hole, punk, crap-head, etc. – very powerful stuff. That’s why these words need a comeback. Arguments would never escalate too far, because who really gets upset about being called a fart-knocker? Only a punk-ass b-tch would be bothered by that sh-t.
I’ve looked back at my old work and I’m not thrilled with young me’s coloring abilities. Imagine how much more efficient we could be now. There would be no coloring outside of the lines, no blue grass and green skies – just neat, accurate pages in our coloring books… Although that’s actually a pretty depressing metaphor for life. As youngsters we believe in wildly expressing ourselves using whatever crayon we prefer. We believe in purple bears, red suns and cerulean dogs. Many of our youthful imaginations allowed us to create these beautifully inaccurate images – but our matured selves tend to fit the mold of real-life. We color inside of the lines, take no risks, and stick to being realistic — which can be efficient, but is rarely unique.
I just remember drinking a lot more juice than I do now. Not the healthy kind – I’m talking about Sunny D, Juicy Juice, Capri-Sun, etc. Same thing goes for fruit snacks (Gushers, Fruit Rollups, Fruit By The Foot) — I miss you, please come visit more often.
6. Not Caring About Looks.
Maybe there were a select few cases, but for the most part kids weren’t too concerned with physical appearances. I can recall regularly wearing these bright red shorts, with a ruler, scissor, pencil, school supply design pattern on ‘em. They looked like a horrendous pair of boxers — but at the time they were comfortable, and that’s what mattered. That’s why we ate sloppily, used our sleeves as napkins, walked around confidently with food-stained clothes, and didn’t think twice about any of it. The only time we used mirrors was to make weird faces at ourselves, all our exercise was from playing outdoors, and we’d walk around shirtless without sucking our bellies in or having a preoccupation with aesthetics.
7. Being Mean To Your Crush
It’s the only way we knew how to handle romantic feelings back then, so why not apply it to our current dating experience? Maybe not name calling so much as sarcasm and slight rudeness. The more cynicism we greet a person with, the more we like them. It can remove the initial pressure of professing our thoughts to someone. Don’t tell him/her how you feel — insult their intelligence and make jokes at their expense until they’re fully aware that you like them and want to go steady.