Thought Catalog

Things 90s Kids Realize

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This is an excerpt from Christopher’s book, Things 90s Kids Realize (Volume 1).

1. Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Is Now A Comedy

There was a point in every 90s kid’s life where their biggest worry wasn’t school, a job or bills — it was whether or not the Power Rangers could survive Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd’s shenanigans. If you re-watch Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers today, you’ll be amused by the ridiculousness that takes place in every single episode. The insults, special effects and characters in general were a mixture of corny & cheesy, which may sound like a delicious concoction — but is actually impossible to digest without laughing.

Watching the show now has its benefits though; you can appreciate things that you didn’t necessarily enjoy in your youth. The hotness of Amy Jo Johnson (Kimberly, the Pink Ranger) is one thing many of us noticed in the 90s, but really value as an adult. Johnson’s gymnastic skills, all pink clothing/ accessories and obnoxiously cute karate shriek (hi-yaa!) that came with every chop or high kick really won our hearts over. Of course, now it’s obvious that Tommy the Green Ranger was hitting that. The two have a strong chemistry and in all of their scenes together, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife… or a Dragon Sword.

The show is so ludicrous that not only does it provide laughs; it shocks and awes you with characters who display incredible stupidity. If Rita really wants to destroy the Power Rangers, why not create several monsters, make all of them grow and send them to the Power Rangers’ town (Angel Grove) to wreak havoc simultaneously? And who in the hell are these brave, yet foolish souls who choose to reside in a town as horrendous as “Angel Grove”[1]?

DID YOU KNOW?

  • Bill the Blue Ranger (played by David Yost) is the only Power Ranger to appear in every single episode of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.
  • The first 40 episodes of season one of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers used stock footage from a Japanese series titled, Zyurangers using the fight sequences in which they are costumed.

[1] THE TOP FIVE REASONS NOT TO LIVE IN ANGEL GROVE
1. While you’re walking in the park, you might be attacked by a group of clay men, donning gray spandex suits and making obnoxious, gibberish sounds.

2. There are constantly gigantic monsters battling equally massive, metal dinosaurs. They destroy streets, buildings, cars and possibly even innocent bystanders in the process.

3. Some crazy b-tch (Rita Repulsa) has made a full time job out of obliterating your entire town… And she’s rather persistent.

4. Your life depends on five (sometimes six) teenagers.

5. The leader of those teenagers is a face in a tube.

When playing Power Rangers, who’d you choose?

As 90s kids we often played Power Rangers with our siblings and friends. The Ranger you found yourself playing as the majority of the time says a lot about you. Read below and see your past defined in a nutshell.

GREEN RANGER: Either you had a crush on whoever was playing as the Pink Ranger or you wanted to be a leader and Red Ranger was already taken.

BLACK RANGER: You were probably black. The show itself was bold enough to blatantly make the black (or yellow) ranger their “race’s color” — so kids unintentionally followed in their footsteps.

PINK RANGER: Reserved for the cutest girl. FYI, chances are whoever was the Green Ranger had a thing for you.

BLUE RANGER: They took your lunch money, had you do their homework and then worst of all, made you be the Blue Ranger. Brutal.

YELLOW RANGER: [see BLACK RANGER. Replace the word “black” with “Asian”.]

RED RANGER: Congrats, you were a badass. 98% of kids wanted this role so if you got it, kudos to you. Red Ranger meant you called the shots, kicked the most imaginary butt and made the important, executive decisions — like whether to finish battling make believe Putties or stop to catch the ice cream man.

2. Doug Was Whipped.

Nickelodeon was (and still is) a massive part of 90s pop culture, and since Doug was the first Nicktoon ever aired, it’s beyond worthy of discussing. Doug Funnie spent a good portion of his life in the 90s putting an undeserving Patti Mayonnaise on a pedestal. Obviously as adult humans, it’s difficult to judge the physical attractiveness of cartoon characters — especially those who are eleven years old. That being said, Patti is not that freaking cute. She wasn’t particularly smart or funny and she admitted to not being able to cook (in season 1, episode 11 “Doug’s Cookin’”). So, what Doug saw in Miss Mayonnaise that made him go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs remains to be seen by the rest of us. Her raspy voice and accent were cute, but the blonde afro-esque hair, the blue and pink polka dot shirt, the lanky, gangly body and boyish charm all canceled that out.

One can make the argument that Doug isn’t much of a looker himself. With that hideous green sweater vest, an enormous honker, those beady little eyes and what seemed to be some sort of balding issue (only eight strands of hair) at such a young age, Doug wasn’t exactly model material. That all being said, there’s no excuse for a person to do the extremely desperate things that Doug did for Patti over the years[1].

[1]FIVE EXTREMELY DESPERATE THINGS DOUG DID FOR PATTI

1. Learned how to dance FOR PATTI.

2. Joined a school ballet FOR PATTI.

3. Handcuffed himself to Patti with no key after performing a magic trick FOR PATTI.

4. Lied about having a sick cousin to avoid going to the dance with someone other than Patti, FOR PATTI.

5. Saw a hypnotist to try to force himself to like the taste of liver and onions, which he hated, FOR PATTI.

Doug, she ain’t worth it bro! There’s other fish in the sea… Specifically Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Way cuter (even with the fins).

3. TGIF + SNICK = GREAT FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHT.

Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Wait, let me guess… You’ll be doing something other than watching TV. It’s funny because there was once a time in our lives in which we spent our weekends at home, enjoying television. Of course, the fact that we were in our youth and far below the legal drinking, clubbing or gambling ages played a part, but don’t discredit ABC’s TGIF and Nickelodeon’s SNICK. At different times over the decade their lineups included various combinations of shows[1].

It’s quite disappointing to realize that never again will a television lineup be entertaining enough to keep us home on a Friday or Saturday night. TGIF brought folks together to watch family-themed sitcoms, engage with one another and enjoy some laughs. SNICK was aimed more for the kids than their parents, but it was another night of our favorite shows, jam-packed into a two hours of epic TV watching.

Reflecting on what the weekend used to mean to us in comparison to what it is now can be somewhat depressing for many. I believe this is why so many of us get slammered drunk on the weekends. Alcohol serves as a coping mechanism to block out memories of the greatness that used to be Friday & Saturday evenings. I’ve tried to stay home on a weekend and watch the malarkey that comes on currently and all I can say is… Stay thirsty, my friends.

[1]

FUN FACT: ABC’s TGIF didn’t stand for “Thank God It’s Friday,” instead the acronym meant “Thank Goodness It’s Funny”.

DID YOU REALIZE that Melissa Joan Hart was the only star of a tv series on both TGIF and SNICK with Sabrina The Teenage Witch and Clarissa Explains It All?

AND NOW, IT’S TIME FOR “AN ANGRY LETTER FROM 90s KIDS, TO TELEVISION NETWORKS”

Dear Television Networks,

What in the hell are you doing lately? I mean, we understand that it’s easier to make cheap, crappy reality television and poorly written shows instead of spending the money on some talented writers, and producing a more expensive studio series, but c’mon. Friday night has gone from TGIF’s brilliance to the place where mediocre sitcoms go to die. And Nickelodeon, what’s the matter with you? Replaying episodes of That 70s Show all day (as great as it is) won’t get you higher ratings. So somebody, step up to the plate, reach into the wallet, break open your piggy bank and throw together a decent block of weekend television. Until then, our attention goes to clubs, partying and booze. Good day.

Sincerely,

90s Kids.

P.S. We’re really starting to grow rather fond of hard liquor & the scandalousness of clubs so get on it, time’s a wastin’. TC mark

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More From Thought Catalog

  • FART

    omg sooo random and nostalgic

  • Michaelwg

    Sorry, but I feel like the topic of the 90’s belongs to Chelsea Fagan.

    • Anonymous

      FUCK YEAH I OWN THAT DECADE *endzone dance*

      • RalphioHendershot444

        You wrote an article that pretty much ripped off their entire things 90s kids realize website, relax.

  • CLO

    you’re gonna need a bigger list than this to satisfy this 90s kid, but overall, good realizations in a short, sweet manner

    • Emily Anne

      you could always buy the book…

  • Mark

    Other things happened in the 90s besides TV, but I guess TV was the most important/interesting thing happening. 

    • Edeson

       those other things were cool too, i remember watching them unfold on television

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002598124977 Traci Livinlovinlaughin Herbst

      Well as small children in the 90’s we were kids, we couldn’t do anything on the weekends but watch TV and play…derr.

  • samantha

    I’m so tired of all this ’90s nonsense, gahhh. Or at least 1990s. 1890s, anyone?

    • Anonymous

      the dream of the 1890s is alive in portland

      • Kyle Johnson

        Haha, awesome.

  • zzz

    Time slips by fast and we’re getting fucking old.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1217597690 Mitch Lavender

    I’m not trying to be mean, but you probably have a pretty small adult audience that would be interested in this much information about Power Rangers. 
    Not sure who your target audience is, but I wish you well with the book. 

  • Lilym

    this article was so boring and I watched power rangers religiously as a kid.

    • GB

      Thanks for sharing.

    • Concerned Citizen X

       The fact that you commented about how long and boring this was shows you are the 99 percent, and you need a job.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6IFPDSFKEQJE2ZPP3ASE35MRL4 Laura

    These have all be established, but good efforts!

  • http://www.nicholeexplainsitall.com EarthToNichole

    I skipped the Power Rangers part but totally agree about Patty Mayonnaise. Judy Funnie was OBVIOUSLY the hottest girl on the show, hands down.

  • Guestropod

    Well, this sucks.  It’s just lazy as hell.  Hey, remember that thing that was on in the 90s?  Remember the plot of that show?  Remember the characters of that show?  ME TOO.  

    • JamesJohnson

      You suck. This is entertainment for people who love pop culture. I’d like to see you write something instead of being an obnoxious (talentless) troll.

      • Jake

        But this DOES suck! It’s not only lazy for relying purely on nostalgia, it’s an excerpt from a book from a blog that relies purely on nostalgia. I’m the same age as the author, and I don’t give a fuck about anything in this article, I realized mostly everything presented here when I was 8 years old (although I thought the action in Power Rangers was pretty intense as a kid).

        A list of every single extremely desperate thing Doug did for Patti would have more merit.

      • Babushka

        Blah blah blah, hate hate hate. Unfortunately we’ve just got to deal with the loud mouthed people who sit on their butts and criticize, yet aren’t doing anything with themselves. Guarantee JAKE or GUESTROPOD dont have a book or a blog with a large following. 

      • Cashore

        Whether or not these people have a book or blog with a large following is irrelevant. And I don’t think it was purerly  hate they were posting. And what are you doing? You’re criticizing their criticism –more than that, you’re taking a stab at these people. 
        I liked the article, I really did, but it just seemed a little empty –these are the things that everyone talks about when they reminisce. The tone and voice was amazing, and it wasn’t bad, just lacked a little something.  Shall checking out the author, fo sho.

      • Guestropod

        You’re right!  I don’t have a book and all of six people follow my blog.  

        Weird how having a popular blog isn’t the only thing one can do with oneself.  

  • Anonymous

    Nostalgia is the new… TUMBLR… 

  • Breonna

    I laughed a lot at this entry…. the black power ranger  description and doug funny’s appearance had me in tears.

  • Edeson

    The baby boom generation’s limitless capacity for self-love and nostalgia is routinely derided, but at least they’re usually eulogizing cultural benchmarks more substantial than Happy Days and Hong Kong Phooey.

    • S0sJAHs0S

      So they’re doing what 90’s kids are doing but with popculture that’s more meaningful (to them)? They must be so much better than us.

  • Cole Armstrong

    The URL says “5 things 90s kids realize,” but I only see three here. I feel ripped off.

  • Benjy

    I  thought this was nice and it made me laugh. Congrats on the book, I just published my first one a few months ago and it’s a awesome feeling! :D

    • Jenna Weaker

      This is great.. where can I find this book?

  • LaTourista

    Hurr the ’90s durr

  • GUEST

    Are you alright?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1068150001 Blair Dow

    did you guys know that the chick (suzanne collins) who wrote hunger games also wrote clarissa explains it all??
    i just blew all your minds.

  • Sigh.

    Not really hating on this article as much as most of you, but this should probably be called “What 90s Kids Realize about TV from their Childhood while in their Early Twenties.”

  • MeWho?

    LOL…..I’m so obtuse, I never made the connection between the color of the suits and the color of the person in the suit (or so we thought was in the suit). 

    Yellow Ranger 4eva!  I thought green ranger was such a tool even though he was supposed to be the hottie to pink’s beauty.  Red ranger was my eye candy.

    What does SNICK stand for?  The Secret World of Alex Mack played only on YTV as far as I know

  • Keltic_13

    I was the brown ranger… F*cks sake…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002598124977 Traci Livinlovinlaughin Herbst

    I say you all go fuck yourselves. you were obviously dorks as children because tv was the best as a 90’s kid. Whatever. I liked it. I like nostalgia. Whatever dicks.

    Yes, I have a dirty whorish mouth today because its my birthday and I’ll do what I want to. GFY.

  • Commentor

    Go, go power rangerssssss…

  • Chantalhazineh

    Referring to the “Which Power Ranger you ended up being says the most about you” part… My older cousin refused to let me be the Pink Ranger because she was older than me. She also refused to let me be the Red Ranger because I wasn’t a boy, even though red was my favourite colour. Thus, I think another logical reason you’d end up either being the Black Ranger or the Yellow Ranger is because the other kids on the playground were assholes.

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