Let’s get right to the point: that dreamy idea that whatever you post on Facebook, Twitter, Insta, whatever, will not in actuality be used as character judgment material by others is tragically misguided. Whatever you posted today helped to define a friend’s perception of your character.
Whether selfie, statement, or sarcasm, the way you express yourself through social media, in some ways, is more representative of who you are than in-person interactions; how you deal with conflict, whether you see the glass half-full or half-empty and how your relationship’s going can be observed by the masses. It can be easy to allow these insidious little status beasts to infiltrate your timeline.
As tempting as it is, I’m not going to give them little stereotypical persona titles because that would be suggesting that I am one of the aforementioned judgers. Which I am not. Consider this your status self-help guide.
1. I DON’T MEAN TO COMPLAIN BUT MY WEEK HAS BEEN F*CKING AWFUL AND I JUST REALLY NEED TO VENT.
This statement is typically followed by about four paragraphs of misery. While we’re all sorry that Fluffy got run over, the Starbucks on Broadway never makes your latte right (and got pumpkin spice in late this year) and that your favorite character on Game of Thrones finally kicked the bucket (shocker!), we’re dealing with our own lives. Not to mention that probability says we likely only remember you from one or two outings with mutual acquaintances, because Facebook.
2. JUST GOT MY NEW BMW I8. WHO KNEW CLUB PROMOTING WOULD GET ME ALL THE WAY HERE. NOT BRAGGING OR ANYTHING; JUST SAYING IF YOU WORK HARD, YOU COULD HAVE ALL THIS TOO. *BMW SELFIE*
There is no such thing as covertly bragging. There is no such thing as subtly breaking the news that you have recently had massive success in your life. It’s completely okay to share your good fortune with the world, but don’t pass it off as though you’re not posting solely for that reason. Just be real. And don’t preach to the rest of us about working hard and/or buying unnecessarily expensive things. Guess you missed that report that said BMW drivers are the most likely of all car drivers to hail from Douche City.
3. I’M SOOO OVER GETTING DRUNK. I JUST FEEL LIKE I’M GETTING TOO OLD TO GET HAMMERED EVERY NIGHT. I’VE GOT SH*T TO DO, YA’LL.
I see you’re feeling sophisticated today. You appear to feel this way every Monday. Crazily enough, it would seem that by Friday it’s once again all about Diplo and Jager. Suggesting that others don’t have lives because they like going out is judgmental and lame; especially when you’re inevitably going to be at Hard Rock this weekend with your dress pants down to your ankles by 12:30.
4. I CAN’T BELIEVE HIM! *SAD COMPUTER-DISTORTED EMOJI* THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW! SO DONE.
Just like you were last week? And the week before? We’ve all had that friend who very publicly proclaimed dissatisfaction toward their partner on a semi-regular basis. Every time, someone’s got to inquire as to what’s wrong, what happened this time or make an equally public response to the tune of “Oh, that bastard.” Failure to provide sufficient coddling results in he or her calling out friends for being pals of the fair-weather persuasion. Then everyone gets the requisite mascara-running/inanimate object-punching Snapchat. Keep your relationship woes to your damn self if you’re not going to change anything.
5. SO SOMETHING REALLY HORRIBLE JUST HAPPENED. NOT SURE WHAT TO DO…
Followed by the rest of us asking if you’re okay, you responding that you don’t want to talk about it and me wondering why you posted it in the first place. By now, everyone is well-versed with the behavioral techniques that accompany social media; such is the nature of the beast. We’re going to see right through it if a post’s one and only purpose is to draw attention to your existence. Stahhhp it, friend.
6. NOT GONNA CALL ANYONE OUT BY NAME BUT SOMEONE HAD BETTER WATCH THEIR BACKS IF THEY WANNA TALK CRAP.
Thanks, Billy-Bob. Srsly? Are we in the back woods? How classless can you get? No one cares to hear about your drama, and if you’re crafting a post that’s truly only meant for one person, badass, go ahead and direct message them because ain’t nobody got time for that.