Heartbreak comes to us all and I am not stranger to my feelings being trampled underfoot but when someone fills your head and heart and takes over your senses… When it feels like he’s everything that you were too oblivious to realise you wanted and when you can’t imagine wanting anyone else the way you do him… It’s different.
1. I compromised myself without even realising. My personality is 80-90% pride and I still wanted to give him everything even though I knew his heart was still full of his ex. If I was being completely impartial, sort of kind of being with a guy who prefers another woman to you sounds grubby. I did it anyway.
2. Maintaining the status quo in the hopes that he’ll come around is a fantasy. I was too scared to rock the boat even though the situation was becoming less and less satisfying. At first having him half heartedly is better than nothing. I became his confidante, the first person he told about getting his dream internship, the first person he admitted his defeats to. He had feelings for me but I needed him to make the jump and when push came to shove, he couldn’t. Not after a week in paradise, not after 6 weeks of whirlwind, not after 6 months of always being there.
3. “At least we’re friends” doesn’t make up for it. It was so tempting to cling to the remnants. To stay in contact, to say that even though he couldn’t give me what I needed that at least I had a cool friend. He’d still be a great friend, wouldn’t he? It didn’t occur to me until later that the dynamic had focused so much on him that he wasn’t used to asking me how I was. So I had no opening to tell him about my grandfather getting sick, going to hospital, getting moved to ICU, being stabilised then dying.
4. It’ll get better and sometimes much much worse. Small feelings of accomplishment. Going for a run, seeing friends, forcing myself to do some work. I am thankful for not having let my entire life fall to pieces when I was coming apart at the seams, dazed by how I could hurt so much and still be able to go through the motions. I feel proud that I survived and continue to do so. On the flip side some days it’s this gnawing emptiness and feeling lopsided. Like I’m off balance. Like I can’t even remember what it’s like to be that happy. Like if I was better- more, then he would have loved me. 3am loneliness is the worst. When my skin crawls for him.
5. What I’m missing isn’t there anymore. That feeling of safety, understanding and warmth as I place your ear against his chest to hear the rumble of his hummed notes? It doesn’t exist anymore. The easy light laughter won’t be as carefree. I can’t go back knowing that he clung to me as a life raft and wouldn’t let me go when I begged him to set me free.