That morning when I woke up, I didn’t see any message from him which was a clear indication that he wasn’t really worth keeping. It’s true that just because he didn’t send a good-morning-message doesn’t mean I should just forget about him. No, it’s not like that. There were other underlying reasons that I can’t disclose. One thing’s for sure: He wasn’t worthy of my time and energy.
There was even a time that I wanted to have a quick breakfast with him before I started my day, but he said he couldn’t make it. Then, I invited him to come with me for a few drinks with my friends, but he declined again.
I accepted the fact that we had different personalities and priorities being a busy person myself—always loaded with work. There were times that I couldn’t say yes to invitations either. But generally, if the person extending the invitation is important to you, won’t you be interested and glad to accept it? Won’t you feel special that despite that person’s hectic schedule, she has still managed to reserve some time for you? Isn’t it sweet?
Worse is, he came up with lame excuses why he couldn’t see me.
Yes, sometimes it sounds harsh to be frank, but giving someone false hope is more painful (or maybe, she’s giving herself false hope).
I just realized that if someone doesn’t exert some effort, or make himself physically and emotionally available, then why would you hold on?
Why can’t we all be fair for the fucking sake of trusting? I simply can’t fathom it. I wasn’t going to ask him to change for me. Why would I and why would he? We weren’t lovers anyway. We weren’t even compatible. So, what am I protesting for here? Well, it’s just frustrating being turned down over and over. I almost liked him even if I knew from the start that he wouldn’t do me any good.
Episodes like that are already enough to convince myself to give up on someone. From then on, I’d always told myself to focus on something else and be on my own like I used to when he wasn’t in my life yet. I was alright before he came.
I hated the fact that I was becoming attached to him. From time to time, I would check if he was online. Whenever he would send me a message, I would send him a reply in less than a minute. He, on the other hand, took a while to respond even if he was available.
When friends would ask me how he was, I’d always say the same reply: “He’s fine. And stop asking about him. I don’t know. He must be doing great.”
But I couldn’t blame them. They hadn’t met him in person. They only knew him because I shared sorts of things about him.
He wasn’t responsible for my growing feelings of which he wasn’t aware. As a matter of fact, from the very beginning, there was legibly nothing like that. Only, we both knew that we liked each other for some reasons. I didn’t want to spill the beans, because I didn’t want him to take advantage of my emotions. It was like getting a match on Tinder but there was nothing beyond that to expect. I wanted to read his mind, so I would know everything that was thinking.
What difference would it make if I told him? Would I end up losing this battle, or nothing would change? I had no idea. And now, I don’t really want to know.
I genuinely and truly value the people who spend time with me. Time is precious. It’s irreplaceable. It’s one of the best things you can ever give to someone. I’m someone who always loves to spend and give time to the ones I care for and love regardless of circumstances.
He was fun and cool on our first meeting. He was fun to be with and had a beautiful smile. He giggled like a baby. Though I wasn’t expecting anything beyond us being good buddies, I would like to finally banish him from my life before anything painful happens. No, he wasn’t toxic. In fact, he was kinder than I thought he was, but there was something off about him that made me feel uncomfortable as a woman.
It ain’t easy bailing out someone you liked. It’s a bit painful to your ego since there’s something tickling your bone and somehow, it holds you back. But looking closely, what can you get from letting him stay? What benefits can it give you? Will that even make you happy? Will he like you the way you like him? Will he see you the way you want him to? Will he desire you the way you drool over your favorite caramel cake? Will he fall for you the way you almost did for him? Ask yourself these questions. Think wise. Think twice.
I risked my sanity to get to know more about him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t want to be prejudiced. I looked for the silver lining and even though red flags were waving, I went on. But I got tired. I finally ask myself, “Why would I let myself get fooled?”
And no, even though I started liking him, it wasn’t that exciting. Don’t get me wrong. I hope the problem wasn’t me. I always wanted to get what I want and something in return for the favors I did as much as possible. But I never get to unravel and appreciate a person who just can’t make an effort to build a good bond. How hard is it to do that? Or maybe, he wasn’t really interested to nurture the bond. What a fool I was for not seeing the signs!
I will continue what I’ve been doing with our without him. My life will always be pretty fine. I know that.
It’s true that the people you like the most won’t always be available for you, but the ones you don’t really need will always be there regardless of the situation. That’s life’s irony. We can’t change that. We can simply accept it. But we always have a choice to not let ourselves get engulfed by this unwanted situation.
On top of that, a person who listens to your thoughts, asks about how your day went and makes effort to check on you is someone worthy of everything. A person who is absolutely worth keeping.
Nevertheless, nothing compares to a sentimental satisfying feeling when you’re able to do things on your own and focus on yourself. If that’s all it takes to be a better version of my soul, then I am actually detaching myself from an unavailable person. It’s all fair and healthier.