When I look around me, whether I’m at the gym, at a bar, working, or just walking down the street, love seems to be everywhere. New love, old love, its all the same. I seem to be surrounded by all of these ridiculously happy people who are so in love with life and each other and the world.
And then there’s me.
I never thought of putting a title to what I could be described as until recently. But it makes total sense. Everything these days has a label, so why not add a label to myself as well. I too want to fall in love. So badly. But it seems like every time I try, someone else comes along and sweeps my guy off his feet and he falls so deeply in love with them.
I don’t pity myself because I’ve grown so accustomed to it.
I am the girl that meets a guy and gives him the best version of myself, although he doesn’t give me that in return. I am the girl that yearns for the affection and attention from him because I give him all of mine. I am the girl that overly appreciates the little gestures, and when they stop I worry and I question things. I am the girl that tells all of my friends about him, and how wonderful he is, and he is the guy whose friends don’t even know I exist.
I am the girl that takes hours to get ready to impress him even if we just end up lying on the couch, and he is the guy that forgets to notice. I am the girl that spends half the night awake, waiting for a goodnight text when in reality he isn’t thinking about me at night. I am the girl that gets so excited to see him and tell him how my day was, and he is the guy that will never ask. I am the girl that gets the trials, and the tribulations, and the test runs. And I am the girl that he keeps around until something better comes along.
I am the girl that distracts him from a previously broken heart, the girl that he can laugh with and joke around with, the girl that he can call and ask to come over and cuddle with, the girl that he can take out and not take home to his mom, the girl he can try new things with, the girl he can need when he wants to, and ignore when he doesn’t want. I am the girl that is his friend when he needs and his lover when he needs something more. I am the girl that he can never see himself being serious with.
But I’m also the girl that has been around for him. I’m the girl that he tells his secrets to, the girl he cooks dinner for, the girl he flirts with over texts, the girl he wants to spend time with. But being that girl is always temporary.
I am the girl that prepares these guys for the girl. And one day hopefully I’ll be the girl to someone. For now I’m just tired of being the girl before the girl. Ive exhausted my efforts, my confidence, my hope, and pieces of my heart trying to be the girl for someone. Taking a chance on someone is always a risk, but sometimes with risk comes great reward. But for now I’ll just keep sitting here and wondering where the hell my reward is.