
Death is the only certainty in life so at some point you will experience the loss of a loved one, itās inescapable. By my mid-thirties I have attended more funerals than weddings, I should add āprofessional mournerā to my rĆ©sumĆ©. Iāve lost a parent, friends, colleagues and even my former husband. I wish someone had warned me about the toll it would take on my body and mind in the subsequent days, months and years so I knew that my feelings were perfectly normal. The information I found on grieving was often confusing and conflicting so I decided to detail my own experience.
Grief Can Have Physical Symptoms
In the year following my Mumās death, I had a stream of seemingly unrelated health problems. It started with digestive issues, then flu-like symptoms: a runny nose, headache, sore limbs and exhaustion that would send me to bed long before dark. I finally went to the GP convinced I was dying but when I explained my symptoms he told me this was a common side effect of bereavement. Grief and the stress it puts on your body can suppress your immune system making you more likely to get sick. You may also fear every cough, sneeze or headache convinced itās a sign of something more serious. Jumping to the worst-case scenario is common following the death of a loved one but rest assured, feeling unwell is more likely to be the result of grief than anything sinister.
There Is No Right or Wrong Way to Mourn
A personās grief is as unique as a fingerprint, thereās no āOne Size Fits Allā approach to mourning. Response to death is often dramatized as weeping and wailing in an exaggerated fashion but emotions can be just as powerful without tears. Whether you spend days holding a vigil or channel your anguish into work, family or relationships; everyone deals with emotional trauma in different ways. Do not compare yourself to others, we all have our own coping strategies. Another thing no one told me is every loss is different. I thought having been through the process once I was an expert, but I found myself grieving more deeply for a friend than I ever did for my grandmother, which surprised me.
People Will Say Stupid Shit
Death makes people uncomfortable and when theyāre uncomfortable they will say stupid things.Ā Iāve had the experience of losing a parent compared to a hamster dying or luggage going missing on holiday. A boss complained loudly about having to buy a Motherās Day gift and asked me what I was getting my own mum (despite knowing she was long dead). To get herself out of that hole she made a joke about the money I save on presents now Iām motherless. People think that platitudes and clichĆ©s help but I donāt need to hear that everything happens for a reason and that itās all in Godās Plan. Since the only religious member of my family was struck down with terminal cancer Iām not a huge fan of the man upstairs.
The āFirstsā Really Hurt
When a loved one dies the first year can be tricky for hundreds of reasons. I had mentally prepared myself for the anniversary of my mumās death without considering the 365 days of firsts thatĀ floored me in ways I didnāt know were possible. The first time you experience their favorite places, songs, films, and food without them breaks your heart. The first year of birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas when you find yourself quietly weeping in a shop when faced with a sea of cards and gifts for someone who no longer exists. The first year often feels like standing still while the rest of the world moves on without you. Then thereās the guilt ā the first time you laugh ā properly laugh ā after someone dies and it sounds alien to you. Or when you wake up and they arenāt the first thing you think of and you realize that life really does go on.
You Need to Find Other Members of the Club
The loss of a loved one is undeniably grim. Growing up I was told not to discuss topics such as death at length for fear of upsetting or offending someone. I now realize this is bullshit and you need to talk about how you are feeling or you will go insane. The best people to speak to are those who are in the Club ā the Dead Parents/Friends/Siblings/Partners/Children Club. Itās a club that no one wants to be a member of but once youāre in it you understand. These are fellow humans who recognize that people in your life can be crass and lacking basic empathy and will be able to support you. There are spaces online where you can find fellow club members, social media is a great place to start.
If your grief is affecting your ability to sleep, work and function day to day you may need professional help (I know I did). Speak to your GP. They can offer a referral to counseling, prescribe medication if needed and advise on support groups in your local area. Nobody has to go through this alone.