I Can’t Stop Wondering If You’ll Ever Fight For Me

 Lizzie Guilbert
Lizzie Guilbert

I still lie awake at night wondering why you can’t just fight for me. You seem to have a repertoire of excuses of why I’m not worth the pursuit, but kept insisting that you didn’t want to lose me. I have to let you go because if I don’t I’m going to let you destroy who I am in the process.

You feel like an addiction and I can’t seem to shake you off. Why? I can’t seem to figure it out. I can’t fucking explain why. You’re unhealthy. You make me doubt myself. You’re bad for me but I don’t seem to mind and that scares me.

It scares me because you already broke me. You already did all the things you promised not to do. You shattered my heart, my broke my trust and crushed my confidence. I tried to replay all the things I did for you, I kept trying to find what I did wrong and what I lacked to provide. I gave you the best parts of me, I offered you my love and you turned me down for someone better. So I let you go.

But here you are again knocking at my door, the door I thought I closed a long time ago. And I know how reckless and foolish it is but I let you in. Again. I thought this time it would be different, maybe this time you’ve changed but you haven’t.

We keep falling back into the same patterns and we can’t stop. And in the end we just end up hurting each other.

So here we are back where we started.

But this time I know that I’m always going to be just your back up plan. I will never be your priority. I will never come first. You will always choose someone better than me because for you I will never be enough; that’s why you won’t fight for me. I’m not your crutch. Stop using me to get out of loneliness and I shouldn’t let you come home to me anymore.

I have to live with the fact that you are never going to stay and that you will always chase after something and someone you believe is better.

And for me, I will have to continuously remind myself that I am more than enough and you’re just too busy finding someone better or something else to even notice. And every time you choose to leave, you take a piece of me with you and to be honest I’m starting to lose myself little by little. So this is it. I’m telling you that even though it’s difficult and painful I’m choosing to let you go. You can’t come back anymore. You shouldn’t. Be strong enough to own the goodbye you desperately wanted from me back in December.

I know that everything seems easier when I’m around but I can’t keep being your second choice; your last resort. So thank you for the beautiful memories we’ve shared and I hope you get to fulfill all the dreams you’ve been longing for ever since you were a kid. I will acknowledge the fact that maybe I will always be one of the people who will know you best but my love we don’t always end up with the people who really knew us deeply; we end up with people who we choose to fight for and we both know that isn’t me. You couldn’t fight for me because you didn’t want to and that’s just sad.

Always know that you could have had me but babe you failed to keep me and a cautionary tale is all we’ll ever be. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Pouring out all the feels unto my keyboard and into your screens.

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