My mom was diagnosed with clinical depression, severe anxiety, and bipolar II disorder when I was in high school and since then I am terrified that I will succumb to the same fate. I watch her diseases cling to her and stop her from achieving so many things in her life and I know that I am destined to be on that path.
My mom and I are the same person. We think the same way, talk the same way, act the same way. We finish each other’s sentences, unknowingly buy the same things, and have people tell us all the time that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”. My mom is my hero, she has overcome so much from an abusive childhood, to alcoholism, abusive marriages and so much more. She is an amazing woman, but I don’t want to become her.
I don’t want to suddenly stop my career because I can no longer function. I don’t want my teenage daughter to stop living her life because she feels obligated to take care of me. I don’t want her to base her college decisions around how fast she can get home and on how much she can watch over me. I don’t want her to dread coming home because she knows it’s back to being the adult in the relationship. I don’t want her to cry every time we hang up the phone because there’s nothing she can do about my current mood.
I don’t want my adult child to financially support me since I can no longer work. I want to continue my relationship with my husband and not be an emotional drain. I want my kids to be able to have normal relationships and know what those feel like, not just with the opposite sex but with their friends, future significant others, and children. I don’t want those I love to make everything revolve around me.
If my mother saw I wrote this it would kill her, so in case you ever do, mom I love you. I wouldn’t trade you for the world. Every choice I have made I have tried to do with the best interest of both of us. Every experience I have had through this has made me stronger and made me who I am today, but I want it to be easier for my kids.
I know you wanted this for me to and I don’t blame you for anything. You have been the best mother you could possibly be and I can never thank you enough for that. But still, I don’t want this to be my life.
I already see myself struggling with some issues and following in her footsteps and it is TERRIFYING. I will continue to do everything I can to work on myself, because I can’t let this happen for the sake of everyone around me, and for myself.