A Series Of Things I Wish I Had Said But Never Did

woman standing in flowers
Jose Ros Photo

How do I tell you to listen to me without speaking of the truth?

How do I tell you to see me when you’re busy looking at somebodies even when I’m right in front of you? I stared deep into your eyes, memorized every curve of your smile; the crinkles in your eyes when you find something hilarious, even the way you stare into the blackness when you think. It’s a form of contentment I’m more than happy to be acquainted with.

How do I tell you to choose me when you’re so used to living your life in your own terms? I wouldn’t have the heart to ask you to choose because I want you to feel free even when you’re with me. Especially when you’re with me.

How do I tell you to think of me when your ‘good nights’ hold no promise of you ending the day with me on your mind? I didn’t ask for you to be my waking thought and my last whisper yet I catch myself in sync with your innocent sighs, wishing they’re proofs of me living in certainty even if it’s only for few hours when you drift into the night.

How do I tell you to trust me? To trust me that out of all the uncertainties you’ve been surrounded with, I’m one solid ground you can feel safe in. I yearn for the day you’d just let go and let me hold us together. Let me be your constant reminder that you only need one good thing to bet on: me.

How do I tell you that we’re worth it when you’re so fixated on the absurdity of you and me? Didn’t you notice? I love your nervous quirks and out-of-nowhere rambles because you’re the closest thing I’ve gotten to reality.

How do I tell you that if ever we don’t make it, I wanted you to believe me when I tell you that the only thing you needed to be is you, and I wouldn’t even dream of changing you. Because out of all the things I dared and gave up trying, you’re the one thing that made sense for me to feel again. Bittersweet, but I’ll choose to linger on it if it means I get to hold on to this feeling even if you won’t get to hear the rest of my truths.

And if I look at the sky filled with a million stars, you’ll still be the one I’ll always end up seeing because: You’re a star worth finding than any other star I’ve dreamed of seeking. TC mark

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