This Is Me Accepting You Are Never Going To Be Fully Mine

Alexander Annenkov
Alexander Annenkov

I’d like to think, you and I? We’re up in the air, floating. I wish I could say that we’re floating because we’re deliriously in love or we’re up in the air because we’re lost in what we feel.

But we’re not.

I was never for going with the flow because I like things figured out — I yearned for certainty. Foundation. Structure. But how can I have that little peace of mind when I find myself standing on a ground far from what I can grasp? I have never felt so out of depth.

Are we two strangers with lost souls? I wish we were. I wish we were nothing more than a casual “hi” that can simply be ended with “goodbye.” But we’re not. We’re both looking for ourselves to be found. But can we find ourselves in each other’s arms? There, we went up in the air.

You and I, we’re no different with the word “if.” We both can stand alone, sealed with a dot. No other words are needed for us to mean what mean. But the sad thing is… we’re a lot like the word “if” but one followed by an ellipsis.

Unknown. Unsure. Officially unofficial.

I say we’re floating and left hanging.

I hope when we close our eyes, I can ask you to wander around with your imagination; turn impossibilities to possibilities like we have a master plan. But I cannot. You cannot. Because when we close our eyes, we see an answer. I wish for a form of hope; one that can alter its color; one we can blissfully surrender to. Instead, it isn’t. It’s not even a gray area. It’s black with finality.

If fate and time would come together, they’d count all the no’s and wrong turns we disregarded over the years. Overwhelming, but it’s something that can finally clear up the blurriness on these thick-rimmed glasses. Decided, it says that your silence doesn’t translate to the “yes” we believed in. Rather, something you need to drown with dozens of cheap glasses of liquor. I hoped it helped drown the inconsistency. It didn’t.

Now, despite me thinking, we’re up in the air, floating, I am sure that there is one more uncertainty than can hold me captive completely: I can fall in love with what we could be.

Sadly, it’s the one we will never be. TC mark

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