She was independent. She preferred to be alone than to be with people. She took care of herself well (at least that’s what she thought). She did things her own way and she wasn’t used to other people telling her what to do. On the outside she was timid and silent most of the time but what other people didn’t know about her was that she was passionate and full of fire. She was a fighter and she was hard on herself whenever she felt like she was slacking off so she never let herself slack off.
She may have been strong but there were days when she had to work harder on making herself feel good because she had voices in her head telling her:
You’re not good enough
Nobody loves you
You’re all alone
She fought those voices and silenced them as much as she could. But whenever they seemed louder in her head on some days, drowning her, she intoxicated herself, drinking a lot more than her body could handle. She drank until she felt nothing. She drank until she was numb. And at last, on those nights, she slept well.
She thought everything was good. She thought that she could live her life like that for the rest of her life. That she could be alone. That she was fine on being alone and not have people so close to her literally and figuratively.
What she didn’t anticipate was the unexpected person who came at an unexpected time and the unexpected impact that this person brought into her life.
He was kind and sweet. He was very friendly and approachable. There was something in him that made her drawn to him. Whenever he was near, she felt calm. She was never clam. It was so easy for her to talk to him about everything, about anything, anytime. She was never the kind of person who talks about herself. She would rather just listen. She was not sure what she was feeling back then but she knew it was something strong. It was the first time she felt that way. She felt something in her heart. It felt like her heart was telling her something but she couldn’t understand what it was saying. Not yet anyway.
Their friendship grew and they became closer. She liked doing favors for him because it was her way of showing him how much she cared about him and how important he was to her. He would ask her a lot of questions about things and she openly answered them. Whenever he asked for help, she was always there. Whenever he felt down, she cheered him up in ways that she thought was effective but she wasn’t a good at telling jokes (she still isn’t) but when he laughs, it became worth it. She was happy whenever he was happy. She was sad whenever he was sad and worried about things. She didn’t like seeing him sad.
She liked it when they sit close side by side and their shoulders touched. Even without words, she felt so much comfort, she felt safe and most of all she felt calm (again, she never felt calm). Nobody had ever come that close to her physically without making her feel uncomfortable but this person made her feel the total opposite. He silenced the voices in her head. She held on to him silently, praying that she would be able to keep him in her life. That she was enough for him to stay with her.
The independent and strong girl that she thought she was became so much more. She discovered that she was also loving, caring, patient and understanding. She proved that she is stronger than she was by letting herself be open to other people and by allowing them in her life. She realized that there’s so much good in her than what the voices in her head told her.
Most of all, she never thought that she could be that brave for allowing herself to love that man without asking for anything in return. He made her feel fearless.
It wasn’t perfect. What they had. Whatever they had. It wasn’t perfect. Although there were perfect moments. But it wasn’t enough to keep her from over-thinking from time to time. It wasn’t enough to stop her from questioning herself if she was still doing the right thing. Was she letting him take her for granted? Was she looking so desperate and petty for loving a man she wasn’t quite sure feels the same amount of love towards her, even if it wasn’t the romantic kind of love? Was she setting herself up for the biggest heartbreak of her life? Probably. But that didn’t stop her. That didn’t stop her from wanting to spend time with him. So she let things be.
One night, when she thought that everything was fine and normal, he told her,
“I think I need you more than you need me.”
“Is that a bad thing?” She answered, a little bit confused on where that conversation was going.
“I don’t know.” He said.
After that night, a lot of changes happened that she wasn’t quite ready to face, yet. The conversations between them became less. There were no late night long walks anymore. There were no corny inside jokes whenever she looked at him grinning and hoping he got what she meant. He avoided eye contact most of the time but he pretended to act like they were still okay. He would casually talk to her about something and would act like how he was. She knew they weren’t okay. She knew that something was wrong. She wanted to ask him about it but she was scared of what he would tell her. She was scared that, that would be the end of them. So what she did was she played along. She pretended that it wasn’t bothering her. Pretended that she wasn’t missing him. Pretended that it was okay for him not to message her anymore. Pretended that she wasn’t going crazy wondering where he might be on the days that passed that they didn’t see each other.
She felt anger and pain. But it wasn’t his fault, right? Maybe it wasn’t hers either.
He wasn’t hers. She wasn’t his.
There are a lot of things left unspoken behind the smiles and small talks that they have now. There are a lot of things that she tries to tell him. There are a lot of things that she wants to be clear between them. But the most important is that, there are a lot of things she wants to thank him for.
For helping her to grow. For helping her to open up. For helping her to get to know herself better. For helping her to love fearlessly and to appreciate the people who loves her and accept the love and care that they give her because she deserves it. He might not have given her clarity and what they could be but he gave her more than he knew. He gave her so much more.
And for all the things that he has done right in her life, this is the only thing he’s wrong about……
What he didn’t know was, she needed him. She needed him, too. So much.