“I love you, I do, but I am afraid of making that love too important because you’re always going to leave me. We can’t deny it. You’re always going to leave.” – David Levithan
Sometimes I ask myself, why did it have to be you?
There are a lot of other guys that I could have fallen for but why did it have to be you?
35 days have passed and all I got from you were three words.
“I miss you”
I know that you have a lot going on in your life but there’s a saying that if something or if someone’s your priority, you can always make time for them, if you want to. If you really want to.
The first days were really difficult because a day felt like a week. It was so dragging and boring without you.
On the first week that I didn’t hear from you, I comforted myself with the thought that maybe you were just really busy. But I couldn’t help but feel the uneasiness of not talking to you, of not seeing you. I already missed you so much.
On the second week, I thought that maybe that was it. Maybe you didn’t really like talking to me anymore. That whatever we had was over. But then, at the end of that week, you sent me a message. You updated me about your life. I didn’t know how to respond because days before that I had been conditioning my mind that I wouldn’t be hearing from you anymore. That I should stop waiting for your name to appear in my inbox. That I should get used to not talking and not seeing you anymore.
But you were my habit that was the hardest to break.
Every single time your name popped in my inbox, it felt like a test from the universe. Each time though, I felt less adrenaline rush and excitement to see your name and to know the fact that you have sent me a message no matter what content it might be. I didn’t want to expect anything from you anymore.
On the third week, you let me down. Again. You told me that we should hang out within that week but you didn’t push through. I waited and waited for you to tell me when and where we would meet. But you never did. I pitied myself for waiting for something that I already knew at the back of my mind, was unlikely to happen.
I was angry and hurt. But I thought that I shouldn’t feel that way. I didn’t have the right to feel that way.
By the end of that week, I told you I missed you. I couldn’t help it.
On the fourth week, I felt way better. I could go through a day without thinking about you all the time. I could laugh and smile and be happy even if I haven’t seen you for so long. I didn’t feel the anger and pain anymore. I didn’t feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw your name in my social media accounts. It didn’t feel like a punch in my gut whenever I saw pictures of you and your friends going out and having fun.
But on the 35th night, a feeling overwhelmed me.
I was missing you. Badly.
My whole being knew it. I didn’t know why it had to be on that night. I was so sure that I was okay. That I was getting better. That I was moving on. But on that night, it felt like the floor was a magnet and it was dragging me down. My body felt so heavy and helpless. I had this lump on my throat that made me want to cry and scream but nothing came out. I listen to my usual playlist but the songs were affecting me in such a way that it didn’t affect me before. I already knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep because of the thoughts and the emotions that bothered me. I let myself listen to heartbreaking songs. I let myself read our old messages. I stopped myself from sending you a message first because I didn’t want to disturb you. That’s the thing, really. I didn’t want to bother you anymore. So that night, I let myself suffer alone.
But then, it was as if you knew, it was as if you heard my thoughts, your name popped in my inbox.
That’s when I knew that it wasn’t the same anymore. Your absence changed something in me that I couldn’t point out that time.
You told me you missed me. I told you I missed you too. But deep inside, I knew that it was a lie. I didn’t miss you anymore. I missed our conversations, our secrets, our adventures together but I didn’t miss you. I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry that it has come to this. Whatever we had was very beautiful and I’ll keep the memories of it close to my heart.
Maybe when I see you I’ll eat all my words and realize that I’m still into you after all. Or maybe I’ll feel nothing at all. I don’t know. But I’ll find out soon enough.
See you soon.