Now I understand. My love became so earthly that’s why I get hurt so easily. My love made me expect something from people in exchange of the attention, time, and efforts I give them. My love made me question my worth because if they don’t do the same for me, I’m not important. My love became so superficial that whenever they wouldn’t look for me, I would think that they don’t want me anymore.
I have so much love in me. So much love to give. But I’ve been so focused on the worldly kind of love. The kind of love that needs constant reassurance and validation. So superficial. Shallow. Limited. Conditional. That when I don’t get what I expect from them, I get hurt.
This pain would make negative thoughts creep into my mind and eventually, into my heart and my heart would become intoxicated with jealousy, anger, resentment and doubt and what I did to protect myself from that pain was to block any emotion to flow spontaneously through me, especially that kind of love. I thought to myself, “If love inflicts so much pain then I don’t want to love at all. Not anymore.”
Now I understand, that what I’ve been feeling wasn’t the real kind of love, at all. I realized that I have so much love in me and it wasn’t meant to be poured on just one person or just a few. The real kind of love wouldn’t just run out even if they won’t accept it. The real kind of love wouldn’t just fade even if they don’t return it.
Because this love does not come from me. This love that I’ve misunderstood for so long and have been trying to contain that I have in my heart is from God and I am meant to share it to a lot of people and not just one.
Now I finally understand why things happened. It was for me to realize that all I have to do to let this emptiness and constant confusion vanish is to let God’s love flow through me. To share this love to everyone I want to share it to. To not be afraid of being hurt because God’s love will heal the pain, even if it takes too long sometimes. To trust that the people in my life are meant to be here, at least for now, and it means that this love is meant for them and that I shouldn’t hesitate in loving them wholeheartedly just because I’m not sure if they could love me back as much.
Now I understand that I shouldn’t care anymore. I’m going to love like I’m not scared at all.