Maybe she’s scared or doesn’t want to be tied down or just simply wants to be naïve and unassuming whenever she meets a guy that she thinks she could grow to like.
Every time she realizes that this particular guy is acting strange, you know, like giving her extra attention, saying sweet things to her that her guy friends don’t usually say or just communicating with her almost everyday, she immediately does this thing that she reprograms her mindset and filters every single possible assumption on why this particular guy is doing these things to her into something with no malice at all. She would just think, ‘no this is nothing, he does this to everyone’ or he’s just kind, that’s all.
She keeps her heart safe that way. This girl has severe trust issues. It wasn’t her fault though. A guy from a long, long time ago caused this.
He played her and played her well with his mind games and when she thought that what they had was heading towards something real, the horrible truth that broke her heart but accepted with a fake laugh made her built those walls around her heart and promised herself that she would never let herself believe anything a guy would say to her.
She never had a legitimate relationship with anyone before but she had her few ‘almosts’. It was too late when she realized where things between her and this particular guy could possibly be heading. It was too late when she realized that if she could have just opened up herself a little more, she could have seen the possibility that this guy that she liked could like her back too. That if she didn’t build those walls too high, she could have believed that she deserves to be loved for real. No games. No pretense.
She doesn’t believe that someone could like her in that way, though, not anymore. That someone could love her. Choose her. Want to be with her and stick with her. She thinks that she’s not enough. Maybe she thinks that way because that’s how they made her feel.
Or maybe that’s how she wants to believe in so that she wouldn’t expect anything from them. So that she wouldn’t misinterpret them and assume that they could have feelings for her.
She has learned to be contended with the love that she gives herself and with the love that her closest friends and family give to her. But there are times that she couldn’t help but wonder, what if?
What if I let them in? What if I gave it a chance? What if I didn’t run away? What if I didn’t assume right away that he just wanted to be friends? What if he wanted to be more but I didn’t consider the idea because I just didn’t think that someone like him could like someone like me? What if…..
What if I was brave enough to get hurt if it really turned out that he just wanted to be friends? What if I was brave enough to say to him that I like him and that he’s all I think could about? What if I wasn’t too caught up with my pride and texted him first? What if I told him that was falling for him and asked him if he felt the same way?
All the ‘what ifs’ in her mind couldn’t bring the past back. But she still finds herself in the same cycle. Someone comes along, connection and affection grows between them, she freaks out and then runs away.
She wants to do it differently this time. She wants everything to be clear. She wants to give herself a chance to feel the things that she never felt before.
The good things as well as the bad things that come along with falling in love. She doesn’t want to admit it but she wants feel it all. She’s just scared that in the end she would get played again and would look stupid.
She doesn’t want to end things before it even begins, anymore.
And now that she realizes all this, she realizes too that maybe it’s too late to finally give them a chance.