The Truth Is It Has Always Been You

 Isabelle Portes
Isabelle Portes

I first mistook you as peevish and grumpy, from the way you replied to all the messages I’ve sent. But from the moment I’ve met you on, you intrigued me, and you kept surprising me with what more you could offer. Those bits of your life you let me see always leave me wanting more, and more. I keep hoping to see you around in low-key.

By that time, I am still oblivious that something in me was changing, that I was slowly developing a certain something for you. I just let the emotions flow into me, and out of me; I’ve just allowed myself to fall, and I did. And when finally, I know it in me; I have admitted to myself that this something exists, it overwhelms me almost every time.

More than a year after, we’re still standing on far too different grounds. I’m nowhere near thy radar, still a nobody in thy life, but I continue to hope that one day it’ll all be different, that we’d be different, good different. The feeling, the bright hope in me scares me sometimes for it reminds me of how hard I’m falling for you.

The moment I realized I am falling, I am perfectly aware of the wounds, the bruises I am about to get; the risk I am putting my heart into; and the possible heartbreak I am about to get at the end of all this, if ever it’ll even end at all. But I am more scared of how hard I am falling even if you aren’t trying at all… what more if you are?

But I guess the fear isn’t enough for me to stop for I’m still here– falling even harder than I should, than I am allowed to do so. The feelings, my feelings are stretching towards infinity, I don’t know how to stop it. Yet, I choose to want to be patient with you for that is what real feelings are all about. Time isn’t the variable, the timing is.

They say it isn’t love until that someone calms your soul down, and gives you a sense of peace. And you do, you calm me down as if I’ve known you from years, years back; you calm me down as if you’re all the home I need; as if you’re all the person I need to go on with life.

If I have a word to describe this feeling I have for you, it’s strange. But good strange, you’re always a good kind of everything. The first time I heard your name, it didn’t sound special at all. You’re just another name amongst the throng anyway. More than a year later since that first encounter, since that first time, your name is now a resounding one; not only in the halls where you spend most of your time being you and who you want to be, but a resounding name in my heart, in my world.

Whenever someone asks who you are, I can’t help but smile, and tell myself in secret, “he puts this loving smile on my face without even trying, and without even knowing it.” You’re simple, you’re honest, you’re you, and I love that about you. So much. And it’s pretty ironic how clueless you are that someone you don’t even know that much is so into you. Weird, I know, but I like that this only happened to me once in my life, ever. And that once is with you– it is happening with you.

I am not sure if you realize that this is all about you, or if you’ll ever realize it, but yes, it’s you. It has always been you. It took me a little too long to admit, and be brave about it, but I hope it isn’t too late.

It took me so long to pour all the emotions I have into writing for every time I try, I always end up being empty-handed. What I feel about you is too difficult to be compressed into a few paragraphs. It took me all the feelings, the bravery, and the timing to finally write this one down.

Thank you for always calming me down, for drawing a smile on my face, for putting the glow back in my eyes, for making my day– always. And hey, you’re loved, more than you ever know. How I wish we could go a little farther than where we are now, but who am I to ask for it? No one. But to me, you will always be someone– please remember that. This is yours. This is finally yours, this is finally about you.  TC mark

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